On the EDge: Eat, drink, be merry, apocalypse cometh; so say the FLDS

Image, St. George News

OPINION – Sorry if I seem a little preoccupied this morning, but, well, I’ve got a lot to do today.

There are songs to be sung, shooters of tequila to be downed and some partying to do.

You see, insiders from the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints are predicting, once again, an apocalyptic event for Wednesday that will set free the Jeffs boys – Warren and Lyle — and wreak havoc on the Gentiles who have put them behind bars.

Warren Jeffs, the self-proclaimed FLDS cult prophet, has been sitting behind bars in a Texas prison where he is serving a life-plus-20-years sentence after being found guilty on two counts of sexual assault of a child for his “spiritual” marriages to two young girls – one 12, the other 14.

Lyle Jeffs is to appear on the docket of the Salt Lake City federal courthouse Wednesday for a detention hearing to determine if he will remain a free man while he goes to trial next month on fraud charges. Lyle Jeffs and other cult members are accused of swindling the federal government out of millions of dollars in welfare and other benefits over the years in a practice the FLDS call “bleeding the beast.”


Read more: Law converges on Short Creek; arrests made on conspiracy, money laundering indictment


Members of the Mormon fundamentalist sect say they have been told that “it has been prophesied” that earthquakes will shake the Salt Lake City federal building where Lyle is scheduled to appear, and the walls of the Texas prison where Warren is locked up, allowing both men to be set free.

I’m not sure which fault line connects the two, but man, it must be a doozy. If that thing rattles that heavily on both ends, I can only imagine the impact on the rest of the continent. A shaker that strong, that deep, that long could very well turn Las Vegas into a beachfront community. And, we could all wake up Thursday to a new island floating in the Pacific Ocean as the West Coast from Canada’s British Columbia to Mexico’s Baja California separate from the mainland and drift out to sea.

So, tonight we’ll go out singing, with loud guitars, the company of good people and mas tequila, toasting the approaching apocalypse.

It’s the sporting thing to do.

Now, tomorrow, if the shaking never comes, we may be cursing our lot as we pray for an apocalyptic event to kill the hangovers we’ll be nursing, but a hair of the dog should stop those waves behind our eyeballs.

This prophesy, of course, comes from Warren Jeffs and is nothing new.

Whenever Warren runs out of things to do, he predicts the coming of the apocalypse. This latest revelation is at least the third or fourth such prophesy he has shared.

The timing for this one is just right because April 6 is a significant date in Mormon doctrine.

It is the date, according to the LDS Church Doctrine & Covenants, of Christ’s birth. Ironically, the church was founded on that date 1,830 years later, a fact sustained by the late LDS prophet and president Gordon B. Hinckley who during a 1997 Christmas devotional said: “While we now know through revelation the time of the Savior’s birth (April 6), we observe the 25th of December with the rest of the Christian world.”

The FLDS adhere to most of the Doctrine & Covenants, including this passage.

How seriously do those raised within the FLDS sect believe such things?

Well, when the Boston Marathon bombings took place, a young man I know – a lost boy who was kicked out of the Short Creek community – was terrified to the point of being almost catatonic.

Why?

Because he was in the community when Warren Jeffs warned that his release was imminent, that a great tumult, which included explosions, earthquakes and blood in the streets, would signify that his release was underway and that he would be returned to lead his people.

The young man, who was 15 at the time, was inconsolable for days until calmer, more worldly heads convinced him that the so-called FLDS prophet was securely locked up, that his prison walls had not melted and that he was not free.

It’s what happens, you know, when people are brainwashed from cradle to grave to believe that their eternal salvation is contingent upon their obedience to this con man.

It is part of the greater context of the dangers of this cult that has stolen the innocence of little girls, worked young boys in the fields and on job sites as if they were mature men and demolished the rights of women born into the fold.

When Wednesday comes and goes and their leaders are still answering to the law, these followers will be told that they didn’t pray hard enough, that they didn’t sacrifice hard enough, that they weren’t worthy enough.

They will be punished.

In the past, children had their toys removed, the diets of women and children were restricted to beans and water, families have been reassigned and men excommunicated from the church.

Meanwhile, Warren Jeffs remains blameless, because as the head of his church, he is considered infallible.

So, apocalypse now?

Highly doubtful.

In fact, I’ll book that bet.

We can settle up Thursday, if there is a Thursday.

In the meantime, let’s eat, drink and be merry.

We’ll worry about the apocalypse tomorrow.

After all, tomorrow is another day.

See you next week.

Ed Kociela is an opinion columnist. The opinions stated in this article are his and not representative of St. George News.

Email: edkociela.mx@gmail.com

Twitter: @STGnews, @EdKociela

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2016, all rights reserved.

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22 Comments

  • Real Life April 5, 2016 at 6:59 am

    Gotta wonder, if these sick pedophiles were not getting their “spiritual guidance” through the good ol’ book of Mormon, would the locals still just turn a blind eye to what’s going on right in their own back yard?

  • tcrider April 5, 2016 at 8:24 am

    So if the world is going to end, maybe they can pay up their property taxes because money will not be worth anything when the world ends, and they (the flds) could also pay for auto insurance, because most of the flds don’t have auto insurance. and another way of saving money would be to put cliven and waren in the same cell and make them share the same book, they could read to each other and think pure thoughts.

  • radioviking April 5, 2016 at 10:26 am

    Looks a lot like good ‘ol Joseph Smith! Seriously! I challenge you to look into this – oh ye hypocrite Mormons (LDS ‘proper’) of Southern UTAH!
    Challenge #1: Just google “false prophecies and teachings of Joseph Smith”. Then, look to the sources which are being cited. Yup, they’re in LDS documents, scriptures, and official church history!
    Bingo! Mr. Jeffs is just carrying on old LDS traditions of fanaticism and weirdness.
    At least it makes for good news, eh? 😉

    • mesaman April 6, 2016 at 7:52 pm

      Why? Will it make you smarter, more accepting of the things you cannot change, or act more civil? No, Odin, nothing will change a mind that has set too long.

      • .... April 8, 2016 at 1:30 pm

        LOL ! can’t change your mind. You would actually have to have one first

  • peekay April 5, 2016 at 11:57 am

    WHAT?! There’s an end of world event and I didn’t get the memo?

  • RealMcCoy April 5, 2016 at 2:22 pm

    SO now you write an article mocking the FLDS?
    What happened ed- you were supposed to be so open minded and an equal opportunity ass kisser.
    Let them believe what they want to believe. We let you believe obama is your messiah, right?

    • ladybugavenger April 5, 2016 at 7:59 pm

      Equal opportunity ass kisser- I’m gonna use that! Haha

    • .... April 5, 2016 at 10:44 pm

      So now you attack Ed . LOL ! posting the same stupid drivel you do. but it’s fine when you do it ass kisser ! Let Ed post what he wants. after all we let you post your stupid drivel

      • ladybugavenger April 6, 2016 at 11:42 am

        EOAK- learn your acronyms…. It’s a whole new movement rising up! Everyone’s doing it. People so scared to be labeled or fired from jobs for standing up for what they believe is right!

        • RealMcCoy April 6, 2016 at 3:07 pm

          EOAK- now copyrighted and coming to a tee-shirt near you.

          • ladybugavenger April 6, 2016 at 9:28 pm

            donthatemecauseyouaintme.com

      • mesaman April 6, 2016 at 7:54 pm

        From the bowels of ……GAG!

  • anybody home April 5, 2016 at 7:25 pm

    I lived elsewhere several years ago where another sect declared the end of the world on a particular day coming up very soon. So the businessmen of the town where I was living went to them and said, “If the world is ending, why not sign over your businesses and worldly good to us.” Er. Uhm. Well. Hilarious. I’m sure the FLDS folks would say the same thing. Er. Uhm. Well. But there’s going to be a heck of a racket with all the prayers and singing and wailing tonight out on the Strip and in Hildale…

  • Ladyk April 6, 2016 at 1:00 am

    Ed you remind me of another blow hard who is in the news these days. He goes around saying everyone else is full of BS and a cheat and a liar. Ok you made me laugh with the “big fault line” bit but the rest of it was just lame. So my question to you is, how’s the view up there on that big ol pedestal you have put yourself on? You are by far one of the most judgemental hypocrites I have ever seen. I’m not saying that i believe the FLDS flock are right, but I am wondering who you think you are to be so horrible to them. So what if that is what they choose to believe. It’s their right and while you may have the right to freedom of speech and be able to express your “opinion”, at some point someone has to turn and look at you and ask why do you do it? Why do you feel the need to belittle so many people around you? Are you really just an angry evil man or is there something I am missing? With all of your so called experience I wonder why you would choose to put your name on article after article that just bring nothing good into the world. What kind of person enjoys spending their days writting articles about others and attempting to make fun of them or put them down. See i told you that you sounded just like you know who. Didn’t your mother ever teach you that if you don’t have something nice to say just keep your dang mouth shut? If she didn’t then shame on her, if she did then shame on you. Grow up and spend some time doing something nice for others rather than just spewing hatred and calling it freedom of speech. If you switched out these people’s religion for their skin color or sexual preferences you would never say the things or bully them the way you do.

    Listen Ed, and those who choose to just spew nasty comments, I get that you don’t believe what they do, fine live your own life and let them live theirs. God may not be coming tomorrow but he will one day and I wouldn’t want to have to explain to him why I treated others the way you treat them. It’s not entertaining or flattering to you or St.George news. It’s just simply called being a bully and why STGNEWS publishes it is beyond me. Have some class.

    • RealMcCoy April 6, 2016 at 3:20 pm

      “You are by far one of the most judgemental hypocrites I have ever seen. “- ed

      ” just an angry evil man”- ed

      ” What kind of person enjoys spending their days writing articles about others and attempting to make fun of them or put them down. “- ed

      That about sums him up.

      I say this from my own lofty pedestal, by the way…

      • .... April 8, 2016 at 1:27 pm

        You are by far the most ignorant judgmental hypocrite I have had the displeasure of seeing.oh by the way let me help out. It’s spelled HAVE. not AVE. .even Ed knows that

        • RealMcCoy April 12, 2016 at 9:52 am

          It’s spelled YOU’RE, not YOUR. Even ed knows that, dotboy.

  • tcrider April 6, 2016 at 9:23 am

    Ed you write excellent articles that couldn’t be further from the truth, the local morons are in a constant state of denial and like to blame their problems on the government or administrations that they disagree with or don’t coincide with the book of flds or is it a modified book of moron?
    Usually when someone needs to call themselves a lady, like ladk, it probably means she is the furthest thing from a lady, probably some old …, yuk.
    Ed. ellipsis.

    • RealMcCoy April 8, 2016 at 11:52 am

      “Ed you write excellent articles that couldn’t be further from the truth”- agreed. His articles are formed … and are normally not even remotely connected to reality.
      Ed. ellipsis.

  • Hugh Jass April 6, 2016 at 9:46 am

    Every time I hear one of Warren’s “prophecies”, I have to wonder how many times the guy can be wrong before those folks at “The Crick” figure out he’s a false prophet?

  • anybody home April 7, 2016 at 10:14 am

    Hi, Ed…
    It’s Thursday morning and we’re all still here. The Jeffs are still in jail. California has not drifted out to sea. I can only conclude that Apocalypse Now has turned into Apocalypse Some Other Time.

    Apparently Warren was tuned into the wrong channel.

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