HUMOR – Like most of my fellow nerds before me, I have always suspected that I possess a latent superpower. I had hoped for something useful like superspeed, superstrength, or the ability to super-eat an entire chocolate cake without it going straight to my butt. My superpower is not as useful or impressive as those other superpowers.
As it turns out, my superpower is that I can yell at the people on my television and they will do my bidding.
I first became suspicious of my power during the 2013 American League Championship Series when I decided to become a Red Sox fan. There was a lot of yelling, “Hit the ball with your bat!” and “Run around the bases!” and “Catch it, catch it!” at the television on my part. I am not familiar with the intricacies of baseball terminology, but I got the gist of what the players were supposed to be doing and went with it.
And the next thing I knew, the Red Sox won the World Series. You’re welcome, Boston.
Fast forward to earlier this week when I was watching a television show where the main character was in one of those dire situations where she had to choose between letting her dad die and shooting her main love interest with a gun. It was a real moral dilemma. Fortunately, I was there to help.
“Just shoot him in the shoulder! He won’t die but he will know that you mean business!” I yelled at my television, because with my level head and quick thinking that is precisely how I would have handled such an intense situation.
Meanwhile, my husband eyed me askance. After 10 years of marriage he is still growing accustomed to playing the awkward Erin Andrews opposite my Richard Sherman.
And my yelling worked. The main character shot the love of her life to save her dad. I am sure that this will lead to more relationship issues in the future, but luckily I will be there to guide these characters through their lives by yelling passionately at my television.
Once I became aware of this great power that I possess, I did what most people do when they suspect that they possess a superhuman ability: I got on the Internet. The Internet advised me that, “with great power comes great responsibility,” although no one on the Internet could agree on whether it was Voltaire or Spiderman’s Uncle Ben who said it originally.
With the upcoming Super Bowl XLVIII – and the Winter Olympics in Sochi and the 2014 midterm elections – it seems I have my work cut out for me.
I am feeling the weight of my power.
On one hand, my husband is a lifelong Denver Broncos fan and he would also love to see Peyton Manning win a Super Bowl. On the other hand, my husband once left a dead elk in my car.
Spiderman’s Uncle Ben was right. With great power comes great responsibility. Or great opportunity for revenge. However you want to look at it.
Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. Any opinions stated in this column are her own and not necessarily those of St. George News.
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