What the HAYnes? Are you tired of Earth? Try Mars

HUMOR – At times I grow weary of humankind – usually after I have read something horrifying in the news or I have bought groceries at Wal-Mart. Sometimes I have had enough of Earthlings.

Are you like me? Do you wish that there were some not-for-profit foundation established that would send you to Mars so that you could get off of this planet once and for all? There is good news for both of us.

Mars One is a privately owned foundation backed by multiple legitimate corporations which seem like they would know what they are doing, such as Lockheed Martin and Surrey Satellite Technology. Their mission is to establish a permanent human settlement on Mars beginning in 2024. Either that, or this is an elaborate trick to distract us from whatever our federal government is screwing up at the moment.

Mars One has taken over 200,000 applications for the first round of astronauts. Among the 1,058 finalists chosen from around the world, eight are residents of Utah. This comes as no surprise given the alien conditions that most Utahns endure on a daily basis. In terms of the ability to thrive in a hostile, inhuman environment, either Utahns or Las Vegans seem like the clear choice.

Eventually, six groups of four applicants will be chosen to begin the eight year training for the mission to Mars. An unmanned mission to Mars departing in 2018 will prepare a Martian settlement for the astronauts’ arrival. Crews of four astronauts will depart every two years beginning in 2024. The flight to Mars will last from seven to eight months, depending on the relative positions of Earth and Mars and whether the male astronauts are too proud to ask for directions.

During the flight to Mars, astronauts will only be able to “bathe” using wet wipes. The only available food will be freeze dried or canned. And in order to maintain the astronauts’ muscle mass, there will be three hours of mandatory exercise per day. This sounds like the standard camping trip in Snow Canyon State Park, does it not?

Upon arrival on Mars, the astronauts will presumably lead ordinary lives. According to Mars One:

Within the settlement are inflatable components which contain bedrooms, working areas, a living room and a ‘plant production unit,’ where they will grow greenery. They will also be able to shower as normal, prepare fresh food (that they themselves grew and harvested) in the kitchen, wear regular clothes, and, in essence, lead typical day-to-day lives.

Except that they will be roughly 225 million kilometers from the nearest Buffalo Wild Wings.

I imagine that once the astronauts have settled in, they will use their Mars Suits to explore the neighborhood, where they will discover that there are far too many Martians for their taste and they will wish for more diversity in the local culture.

“I am sick and tired of all of these Martians!” the astronauts will shout through their helmets or comment on the local news.

To which the Martians will reply, “If you don’t like it here then why don’t you move?!”

And the age-old battle will resume.

Unfortunately there is another caveat: Mars One does not offer round trip tickets.

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Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. Any opinions stated in this column are her own and not necessarily those of St. George News.

Email: [email protected]

Twitter: @STGnews

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2014, all rights reserved.


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1 Comment

  • DB January 18, 2014 at 3:22 pm

    I was afraid you were going to leave a big part out of the story but I see that you simply left it for the last sentence. As for Wal-Mart, go fairly early in the morning. It’s much saner then!

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