What the HAYnes? John Carter’s ‘better mousetrap’ ideas

GUEST COLUMNIST OPINION – Yesterday I was asked, “When are you going to take your holiday decorations down?” This demonstrates a very important principle.  People will come out of the woodwork to whine and moan if you leave your Halloween decorations up just a little longer than usual.

Right then and there I decided to make a substantial amount of money by turning the negative criticism into a positive action by starting a company to take down people’s holiday decorations.  If your holiday decorations are still up just email me at [email protected] and I’ll get back to you just as soon as I get my Halloween and Christmas decorations down.

I know this “Decoration Removal Company” can make me a lot of money because if you build a better mousetrap the world will beat a path to your door.

Ralph Waldo Emerson is credited with the idea behind the “Mouse Trap” quote, but sadly Waldo never realized that without the help of a Wall Street advertising firm most great mousetraps never actually see a single battle.

For a long time I have been harboring a plethora of “Great Mousetrap Ideas” that might have caused a superhighway to be built to my front door …  except I don’t have any friends on “Shark Tank” to help me market them.  That is why I am turning the ideas over to you the reader to see what you can do with them.

Here is a wonderful, potential business:  Imagine getting paid to examine people’s bills and confiscating the bills that have a serious potential to spread disease … thereby doing the average rich person a great service.  Here’s the best part, you don’t even need any special equipment because according to an Oxford University study, the average bill in circulation has over 26,000 bacteria and other pathogens on the surface.

When examining your client’s money, simply take the bills you like. If any doubting rich person submits the bill you selected for testing they will find that you were right in your analysis!

Weight loss is always a big money maker because people are willing to pay BIG BUCK$ for a gimmick that might allow them to think they are going to lose weight easily.

Recently, Chris Coleson, a businessman from Virginia, lost 86 pounds eating exclusively at what my 2-year-old daughter calls the “Yellow Eat Place.” This is excellent news for people who want to make money in the weight loss field.  Simply start a business taking people to any fast food restaurant, for a fun weight loss program, that can guarantee you will lose weight eating as much as you’d like off any menu item you can’t stand.

Another easy way to earn extra cash is to start a program that provides pants to the “pantless” in public.  According to a report I read in a well-known journal read by all self-respecting shrinks, most people experience the nightmare where they find themselves in public sans pantaloons.  Anyone could start a business offering to deliver one-size-fits-all pants to anyone caught in this dilemma.

Start a company that guarantees to end this insidious dream for just $5 per person per year and call it “No Pants Insurance.” Knowing that pants can be delivered to any location at any time will allow people to go to bed and sleep peacefully … with no fear of getting caught in public sans pants.

Here’s the best part.  You don’t really have to deliver any pants.  If someone gets caught in public without pants just mail them back their $5 …

Another potential business is to provide post-mortem email messages.  Imagine starting a business that sends emails from deceased people’s email accounts to their friends, coworkers, relatives, and loved ones after they have passed. This is a great service that allows people to make their last feelings and wishes known. And bonus, the people you are providing this service very seldom complain.

I’d like to share more money-making ideas with you but I have to go put up a string of Christmas lights. Hopefully this will cause my neighbor to think that I’m putting my lights up early, not taking them down late!  Besides, everyone knows it’s much easier to put one string up than take 50 strings down.  Wait just one minute … That’s another perfectly good business idea.

Guest columnist:  John Carter

John Carter
John Carter

John Carter is temporarily stepping in for his daughter, Elise Haynes, as she deals with the wonders and glories of moving an vacation. Carter is a well known radio personality who co-hosts the morning show with Marty Lane on 97.7 Big Classic Country (our sympathies to Marty Lane).  He is also known to throw on a good ole country-western dance party and is far too easily amused by lousy George Takai impersonations.

Email: [email protected]

Twitter: @STGnews

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2014, all rights reserved.


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1 Comment

  • lds jackmormon January 11, 2014 at 7:31 pm

    I always thought it was a good idea to put dollar bills in the microwave to disinfect them. It’s always worked well for me.

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