What the HAYnes: Marines, Tums and the Oscar Mayer mobile

HUMOR – Hordes of people have admonished me to write a column about the things I am thankful for during the coming holiday season. OK, so maybe it was a horde of one, but in my defense she was very, very, persistent.

November is a good month to be thankful. It starts by giving us an extra hour of sleep with the end of Daylight Saving Time, and then moves right into the birthday of the United States Marine Corps, unofficial motto: Join the Marines, travel to far-away lands, meet interesting people – then vanquish them.

Right after the Marine Corps birthday we celebrate Veterans Day which is to honor those who have served in the United States Military and hopefully not become one of the many we honor on Memorial Day.

In late November we have Thanksgiving. The first Thanksgiving was celebrated in 1621 with a feast that lasted three days. Today, in honor of the pilgrims we prepare the same amount of food, then sit down at the table and eat two days worth of food in one sitting. We then ration the remaining food in another great American tradition called “Leftovers”.

There is an emerging Thanksgiving tradition that the pilgrims would be proud of. Since the invention of Facebook it is considered bad manners to actually eat anything on Thanksgiving before uploading a picture of the feast with your smart phone. This is done to let all of our Facebook friends know that we are not starving on Thanksgiving.

On Thanksgiving more than half of the Nation’s population will be expressing their thanks on Facebook for the huge feast. On my Facebook page I will have a picture of what I am most thankful for on Thanksgiving – Tums!

Personally, I am an “Old School” Thanksgiving traditionalist. Not only am I thankful for the big things like: family, friends, a home, and a good job. But, I am also thankful for the little things like underwear that doesn’t bunch up.

I believe in a prayer before the Thanksgiving feast and expressing my gratitude to all. Here are a few of the things I am thankful for this holiday season.

I am especially grateful for Thanksgiving because it gives me one last opportunity to be thankful for all that I have before I spend it all on Christmas.

I am thankful that the NFL airs enough games on Thanksgiving to get me out of having to play in the annual Turkey Bowl that is held on a local playground. The Turkey Bowl is supposed to be “touch” football, but for some reason most players mistakenly assume there is an NFL scout peering through the fence looking to discover the next Joe Montana or Peyton Manning!

Many people are thankful for being able to drive vehicles like Dodge Vipers, Chevrolet Corvettes, or big 4×4 diesels. I am thankful I didn’t have to drive the Oscar Mayer Weiner-mobile as a young teenager trying to get dates.

I am grateful that even while I am writing this many talented people are working on a way to connect all our household appliances to a Wii gaming system, thereby allowing parents to get their kids to wash dishes, run the vacuum cleaner, and mow the lawn without having to threaten them!

I am thankful for Christopher Columbus. He is famous for trying to discover a shorter route to the East Indies. If he can become famous for failing then there is hope for me yet!

Throughout this great land many people give thanks for the democratic society we live in. Personally, I am truly thankful that Barrack Obama is constitutionally-prohibited from ever running for president again!

When I was younger I was thankful for a nice car and fine clothing to impress the opposite sex with. Today I am thankful for Gas-X.

All my life I wanted to live in a mansion with the fanciest furniture. Now I am thankful for old, worn out carpet and thread bare furniture because it means my family has enjoyed being at home.

This year I am especially thankful for good, long-term memory that will help me remember to buy regular batteries instead of longer-lasting alkaline batteries for the kid’s Christmas toys that make noise. There is so much to be thankful for and each and every year I find myself being thankful for all the big and little things that bring true happiness. Other than being glad you’re finally done reading this, what are you thankful for?

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John Carter
John Carter

John Carter is temporarily stepping in for his daughter, Elise Haynes, as she deals with the wonders and glories of moving an vacation. Carter is a well known radio personality who co-hosts the morning show with Marty Lane on 97.7 Big Classic Country (our sympathies to Marty Lane).  He is also known to throw on a good ole country-western dance party and is far too easily amused by lousy George Takai impersonations.

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