HUMOR – For those who are in the market for a new issue to advocate, the following is an issue that has recently become trendy and controversial: Public breastfeeding. I am not sure if there is a hazing ritual or an official inauguration onto this bandwagon, but all are welcome.
The controversy surrounding public breastfeeding may seem strange to those who realize that human females have been bearing children almost since the dawn of time and that baby formula has only been manufactured for a few decades or so. But there should be no controversy surrounding public breastfeeding. Besides the fact that it is cost-free and nutritionally perfect, Utah state law prevents the counties from prohibiting breastfeeding in public.
I suspect that the controversy over public breastfeeding was most likely brought about by people who do not understand how infants function. My purpose today is to spread awareness of how babies work, because I am a generous person and I also have 500 words to use up.
I only have four children, but I have almost figured out how babies work. Your average baby has two needs: milk, and to be held by a person who is not sitting down. If you sit down while holding a baby, the baby knows and will loudly protest. Babies do not tolerate any sitting during the process of being held, which lasts an average of 24 hours per day. The only acceptable time for a baby-holder to be seated is when the baby is receiving milk.
When infants realize that they are hungry, they do not know whether they are alone in their parents’ living room or in the middle of an airport security screening area surrounded by hundreds of weirdos. That is because they are babies. Babies have not been conditioned by society to think of breasts as sexual objects. All that they care about is drinking milk. You would, too, if your body doubled in size every three months.
Some babies do not like to be covered with blankets in the interest of breastfeeding modesty. I never understood this preference until the time I tried to eat a hot steak from inside a tent at Lake Powell in midsummer. It was unpleasant. It felt like what I imagine it would feel like to eat a steak while being digested by an anaconda.
In addition, babies have no respect for the concept of modesty. Babies prefer nudity wherever possible.
As a rule, babies are self-absorbed creatures. They do not think twice about screaming their faces purple at 2 a.m. in order to have their needs met. They get away with this behavior because they are innocent, helpless babies.
They are not adults who should know better than to shame a mother for nourishing her child – especially when there are so many more worthy things to shame strangers for, like eating at McDonald’s or engaging in prostitution.
If you are one who finds public breastfeeding embarrassing or indecent, instead of shaming the mother, consult the baby. They are the unreasonable party in this situation.
Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. Any opinions stated in this column are her own and not necessarily those of St. George News.
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