What the HAYnes? Give me SunTran at light-speed, stay out of my marriage

HUMOR – This week I read “The Time Machine” by H.G. Wells and watched a Stephen Hawking documentary about time travel on Netflix. The good news is that I accidentally became an expert on the subject of time travel. The bad news is that having a time travel expert in your midst is not as valuable as you might think, for two reasons.

First, according to Stephen Hawking it is impossible to travel back in time, despite what “Back to the Future” would have you believe. Forget about going to the “Enchantment Under the Sea” dance and helping your parents fall in love with each other. Doc Brown lied to us all.

Second, until someone manufactures a bus or a spaceship that travels near the speed of light, mankind is unable to time travel into the future.

What does time travel have to do with the Supreme Court overturning the Defense of Marriage Act, you ask? At this point I am sure that my editor is wondering the same thing.

Suspend your disbelief and imagine if a SunTran bus could travel near the speed of light.

Let’s pause for a moment and allow that mental image to sink in.

First, the City of St. George would see exponential growth in the areas of tourism and bus fare revenue, but more importantly we would be able to glimpse the long-term results that the overturning of DOMA will have on society. My prediction: The federal government will recognize gay marriage. But I am more interested in seeing how much more power our Federal government will have another century down the road.

I have read through the Constitution a few times – under duress in political science class, but still. I have read it. Correct me if I am wrong, but the only power that the Constitution grants to the federal government is to regulate commerce, form an army, a navy, and a post office, coin money, declare war – things like that.

I have not found any mention of the federal government having the power to decide who can and cannot marry. We gave them the post office, coining money, forming an army, and more. Isn’t that enough? I think that is enough to keep hundreds of stuffy politicians occupied if they do the job right.

This may seem naïve of me – I also wish Monopoly money were real – but why does our federal government have anything to do with marriage? Why is our federal government able to grant marriage benefits to one group of consenting adults while simultaneously criminalizing the marriages of another group of consenting adults?

An 1878 Supreme Court decision criminalized the marriages of many members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Forget receiving marriage benefits. Their marriages – marriages between consenting adults, not the kind you read about involving pubescent girls – were deemed criminal.

I will admit that polygamy is not for me. Gay marriage is not for me. Rap music and Wal-mart also annoy me greatly. But this is a free country. I think the federal government should stick with raising the price of postage stamps and buying $2,000 toilet seats for our military. I would even be okay with our federal government developing a light-speed bus. Just stay out of our marriages.


Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. Any opinions stated in this column are her own and not necessarily those of St. George News.

Email: [email protected]

Twitter: @STGnews

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2013, all rights reserved.


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  • Murat June 30, 2013 at 11:50 am

    A century down the road, the US federal government will no longer exist.

  • Tyler June 30, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    Haha, sooooooo agree, dig the story!!

  • Maggie June 30, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    I have many liberal friends and it seems they all have a few things in common. They want to be happy all the time and they want everyone around them to join them in this happiness. If you do not join them, they throw tantrums much like my sons did when they were two years old.

    I have tried to point out to my happy friends that Madalyn Murray O’Hair was sure that she and her atheist friends would be happy if we did not pray in our schools. Appears they are not happy and it does not seem to have improved society for any of us.

    Then there was Roe vs Wade, and if women could be in control of their bodies everlasting happiness would prevail in their lives and society was bound to improve because every child born would be wanted, women would be able to compete with men and make as much money. Ummmmm, that’s not working to well either.

    Now actually, neither of these ruling changed MY life that much, my family and I still pray and all of my children were wanted, w/o any abortions required or wanted. However I am not so sure that society has ,is or will thrive and be a happier bunch because of these rulings.

    Now we have gay marriage. We need it because some are unhappy w/o it. I am not supposing it will make my marriage better or worse, which seems to be the question of the week. Then my friend asked me ,don’t you think gays should be entitled to all the rights you have? I then explained, you mean the rights I used to have.
    My government says I cannot pray in to many public places anymore. I am being made to pay for birth control and abortions for people who do not believe as I do and I do not even know. Californians voted no to gay marriage and they were told their vote meant nothing and this will happen I am sure in all of the rest of the states who disapprove. Taxes, taxes and regulations everywhere, and I could go on for hours.

    Who Elise is free anymore ,and what do you think all of this” freedom” will bring us to as a society? I am thinking those wonderful children of yours will enjoy the fruits of all this new freedom. Do what you want ,when you want and do not worry about the cost to society. Why do I think from reading what you write that you are NOT raising your children with this philosophy. That you are like my liberal friends and do not want to interfere and just want everybody happy.

    You all puzzle me. You are all smart enough to know a society has to have rules other that those that you mention, but you evidently think that you will guilt me, and others out for knowing that we need to protect and preserve more than individual rights in a society. We have to protect our children ,our pets, our homes and yes our beliefs from the likes of the Madalyn Murray O’Hairs in society. If you have not red her life story, you should. She was a very sick woman and she changed one of the fundamental rights of this country. A totally insane ,hate filled woman was able to affect America in a very negative way without even firing a bullet.

    My children on many occasions expressed to me that I did not love or care about them when they were growing up. They actually despised the word no and sometimes yes, and yes I made them unhappy some times. It took more strength than I thought I was capable of, and a lot of prayers to raise them to be the terrific men and Dad’s they are today.

    Not sure I will have the same results with my liberal friends or with my country. For all the NO’s I say, they just seems to want to be happy about everything and all the time.

    • Hunter September 30, 2013 at 6:25 pm

      Dear Maggie…I hope you wake up from your delusional reality soon. Please tell me where you’re prevented from praying in public. Nobody can prevent you from doing so, but they certainly can prevent you from forcing others to do it with you. How are you funding abortions (and really, you’re going to toss birth control in there, too?). Federal tax money cannot be spent on abortion services, so unless you’re providing money elsewhere that’s just not happening. And yes, CA voters spoke as a majority, but majority does not always rule (thank goodness for you), particularly where it concerns stripping the minority of their rights. So, if CA voters overwhelmingly approved a measure to remove children from households with red headed parents, you’d fully support it?

  • J Robertson June 30, 2013 at 8:53 pm

    Elise, (and Maggie too)
    Enjoyed your sense of humors. Us monkeys (See/Hear/Speak no evil type human robots, some times we open the shades of life and boy, do we ever laugh . Of course this is all off the record, You dig? The thought programmers might be monitoring our e-mails.
    Tell your Editor he was very lucky in picking you .

    • Joyce Kuzmanic June 30, 2013 at 9:03 pm

      She knows, J Robertson, she knows; that would be me. Your compliment to Elise is gratifying and deserved.
      ST. GEORGE NEWS | STGnews.com
      Joyce Kuzmanic
      Editor in Chief

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