What the HAYnes? Inner beauty trumps bikini readiness?

HUMOR – Shocking news out of Stanford University School of Medicine this week: According to a recently published study, researchers have determined that combining diet and exercise achieves optimal health results.

These findings have confirmed two long-held suspicions of mine:

First – I should have gone to Stanford. My keen eye for the obvious would have made me a shoo-in for their medical research program. I imagine there are more than a few organizations which suspect that their grant money has been blown on Papa John’s pizza deliveries and Redbox rentals.

Second – and this is the part that really makes me want to spit rivets – I have been dieting and exercising incorrectly my entire life. Of course, I love to run. I get a decent amount of physical exercise. But it turns out that my overall health would also improve if I stopped eating chocolate cake for breakfast and gnawing on a brick of cheddar cheese for dinner. That explains a lot. Thank you, Stanford.

With swimming suit season hastily approaching, the results of this study could not have been announced at a more critical time. There seems to be quite a large number of females who are panicked about getting their bodies ready to walk around half-naked this summer.

I am not one of those females.

After four pregnancies, four Caesarian sections, and two somewhat-gnarly abdominal surgeries, I have given up whatever fleeting two-piece thoughts my mind may have possessed in my youth. It does not matter how much exercise I get or how much health food torture I suffer through, no amount of crunches or kale will miraculously repair my Frankentummy.

I am slowly coming to terms with this. That is the magic of aging. The more your body ages – or the more beatings your body takes – the less you care what people think about it. That is the only explanation for elderly men who wear Speedos at the beach. If I survived World War II, the Korean War, the Vietnam War, two wars in the Middle East, plus numberless boy band invasions, I would be more appreciative of my body – no matter its condition.

I think that the real issue is that we spend far too much time considering our outward appearance, and the outward appearance of others, and far too little time making sure that our minds and our hearts are in the right place.

“If you look after goodness and truth,” Eric Gill said, ”beauty will take care of itself.”

Musician, philosopher, and former Mouseketeer, Christina Aguilera, put it this way: “We are beautiful in every single way / Yes, words won’t bring us down, oh noooo…”

Trust the former Mouseketeer. Everyone knows they have all grown into well-adjusted adults.

Lastly, the words of Audrey Hepburn:

“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.”

That is a nice thought, but for a beautiful bikini body be sure to combine exercise with a healthy diet. It’s so crazy it just might work.


Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. Any opinions stated in this column are her own and not necessarily those of St. George News.

Email: [email protected]

Twitter: @STGnews

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2013, all rights reserved.


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1 Comment

  • Big Don April 26, 2013 at 10:27 am

    That’s OK Elise! You don’t have to have a “bikini body” to be a beautiful person. As for those old men in speedos, I have to think they are either delusional, or totally senile. I can’t imagine walking around in one of those things.
    OTOH, who doesn’t enjoy looking at a true “bikini body” on display. 😉

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