What the HAYnes? Better off bare, burglars beware

HUMOR – You have probably already heard the scuttlebutt surrounding an incident that occurred early last Thursday morning wherein St. George homeowner Eric Martin, held a burglar at gunpoint until the police arrived to arrest him.

It is not the fact that Martin’s house was burglarized in sweet, safe Dixie that made his story attention-worthy. Neither is the fact that it is an excellent example of an armed homeowner using his Second Amendment rights to prevent crime. What has caused the hullaballoo is the fact reported by some media that Martin stopped the burglar and the crime all while wearing nothing but his birthday suit; that is to say, Martin was home – bare.

Let’s be real. The bare naked fact is: Crime happens  – even in St. George. It is an unfortunate reality, just like how excess calories turn into fat or how wearing my Crocs turns me into a nerd. Spending five minutes on Crime Reports should convince anyone that St. George is not as sheltered as we may think it is. It turns out that idiot criminals exist everywhere, not just on television.

But just because criminals exist does not mean that they should prevail. There are many preventative measures to help make you and yours safe from an idiot invasion. They may not always work, but they might deter a criminal long enough for you to have time to reach your gun. These same deterrents are, in fact, a bonus for those who especially like to be home – bare.

First, lock your doors and windows. This seems like common sense, but as has been proven year after year, a surprising number of people do not possess common sense. Lock your doors. Like so many other things in life that take 30 seconds or less – wearing a seatbelt, taking your medication, replacing the empty toilet paper roll – it can make a big difference, especially if you are home – bare.

Trim back your landscaping. The watchword suggests trimming your landscaping, especially around windows and doors, is best. The fewer hiding spots you provide a prowler, the better. Keeping the trees and bushes away from your windows will keep the thief away from your prized Star Wars Pez dispenser collection, although it must be noted that this one can also make the job of peeping toms easier, so you might consider it carefully especially if your habit is to be at home – bare.

Close your curtains. This hampers the ability of a prospective criminal to case your joint. It also prevents your neighbors from seeing anything they do not want to see after-hours. They will appreciate it, especially when you are home – bare.

Install a home security system and then remember to arm it. Put the little sign in your yard and the little stickers in your windows. Just like the deadbolts on your doors and my treadmill-slash-clothesline, the security system does not work unless you use it. It can also alert you to unexpected family and friends helping themselves in, especially when you are home – bare.

Do not brag about your upcoming vacation or business trip. If I were a criminal I would be tempted, out of spite, to rob the homes of those who are in Hawaii, especially when they are there – bare.

Adopt a small, yappy dog. Sure, a German shepherd might be able to knock a guy down and tear out his jugular, but anyone who has spent three minutes in the company of an unfamiliar Chihuahua can attest that they are the crack alarm system of the canine world; again, very helpful, especially when you are home – bare.

Leave a radio or small light on when you are not home. This will trick would-be robbers into thinking that you are home and hit your neighbor’s home instead; it works best if it is your habit to create low light music-in-the-background ambience when, especially, you are home – bare.

Finally, except for the especial benefits enumerated above for being home – bare, if there is one lesson to be taken from Eric Martin’s experience, it is this: It is always a good idea to sleep with your clothes on. Just in case.

Related post

Burglar held at gunpoint by homeowner

Ed. note 4 p.m:  Per clarification of Eric Martin, the inference that he is an “apparent Second Amendment enthusiast” has been removed. Image to the story modified.

Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. Any opinions stated in this column are her own and not necessarily those of St. George News.

Email: [email protected]

Twitter: @STGnews

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2013, all rights reserved.

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14 Comments

  • Ruth April 7, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    Highly unprofessional photo. This is borderline porn on a news site. Does not make me want to read this news column again.

    • Coribear April 8, 2013 at 8:48 am

      Grow up. TV commercials show more than this.

    • Anonymous April 8, 2013 at 10:14 am

      Are you being … serious? Seriously, grow up

      Ed. ellipsis

    • My Evil Twin April 8, 2013 at 12:08 pm

      Buh-bye, Ruthie baby! Write if you find work. . .

  • kerry April 7, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    Ruth you better get a pair of new glasses. Now get back to conference already

  • sweet jude April 7, 2013 at 9:22 pm

    Uh Ruth, this doesn’t come close to porn…

    Great article elise, I got a kick out of the humor, something we all need a healthy dose of especially here in good ol’ ass kickin’, murder screamin’, weasel-lookin, poutin and shoutin’ warmongerers we have in our midst. Its good to know someone else here in this town can bring a smile.

  • Dan Lester April 7, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    I have no clue how pictures of a shirtless man can be “borderline porn”, as there is nothing shown that you can’t see at the city swimming pools or local lakes. Despite the column talking about the man being naked in his own home, there is no suggestion in the illustration that the person in the picture is naked, just topless.

  • Coribear April 8, 2013 at 8:52 am

    I loved this article. I would read more news if it was all this fun.

  • Sheri April 8, 2013 at 9:08 am

    I read it precisely because of the naked men. Loved that you bared it all! It is funny. Ruth, get a sense of humor–life is too short. All this nakedness just makes me want to go do naughty stuff–NOT!!! However, lots of repression just might.

  • Leonard Lamb April 8, 2013 at 10:22 am

    I enjoyed your article MS Haynes

  • My Evil Twin April 8, 2013 at 12:11 pm

    I don’t believe it. They changed the picture from the way it was originally posted. Good Old Ruthie Baby must have some pull around here. . .

    • Joyce Kuzmanic April 8, 2013 at 12:33 pm

      No, it’s not that, “My Evil Twin;” we care about our community and one mom wrote to us privately, expressing concern. I don’t think it’s “caving” as one suggested to make adjustments where we can in some cases when someone makes a reasonable request. We could not alter the original preview thumbnail on Facebook, but we could modify the whole bodies on the featured image. Honestly, we were simply going for the ridiculous in light of this being a humor column and we found a line of very bare old unfit men rather absurd, hardly provocative. Someone once said that some people ought wear fig leaves on their eyes – and sometimes that’s true. In this case, we modified because it was never our intention to cause offense. Stick with us on this STGnews friends – we are, all for you.
      ST. GEORGE NEWS | STGnews.com
      Joyce Kuzmanic
      Editor in Chief

      • ken April 8, 2013 at 2:15 pm

        I’d say the most of the commenters on here care about their community also, but when one mom can write expressing concern it is caving no matter how you spin it! Seems the majority of your readers didn’t have an issue. Sad but it seems nothing will ever change in St George!

      • My Evil Twin April 8, 2013 at 2:46 pm

        I care about our community as well. I found the article to be quite funny. As to the mom who wrote to you privately, I can only say, “For heaven sakes lady, get a life.” I have found over the years, that the majority of the time when people are “offended,” it is only because they want to be, and spend most of their time looking for reasons to be offended.
        I plan on “sticking with you.” I don’t plan on agreeing with everything you do. And on this one, it honestly doesn’t matter, other than adding to the ridiculousness of the whole situation.
        So the guy was nekked in his own home. Uh, OK, it IS his home. And believe me whether or not he had any clothes on, if he had been forced to shoot, the bullets would not have cared whatsoever if he was buck naked, or dressed in his “Sunday Finest.”
        But for somebody to call that picture that was posted, “porn” shows a total lack of judgement. Ugly? Yeah, sure, but certainly not porn. . .

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