What the HAYnes? Don’t pinch me bro

HUMOR – From one person who does not like to be touched to another, I offer the following reminder: Sunday is St. Patrick’s Day.

I am one who prefers to maintain a three to four-foot radius between myself and the rest of the people on this overpopulated planet. It isn’t that I do not like people. I just like to show my affection toward the rest of society in my own ways – by not making eye contact at the grocery store and knowing when to take my turn at a four-way stop. You’re welcome.

I think my anti-touching trait comes from my English ancestors, who are also to blame for my freckles, wonky teeth, and the existence of Piers Morgan. Maybe my ancestors are not directly to blame for the existence of Piers Morgan, but surely they could have done SOMETHING. I also suspect that my English ancestors are to blame for the fact that I apologize to furniture when I bump into it accidentally.

The few exceptions to my no-touching rule are my husband, children, and people who perform life-saving medical procedures. My aversion to human contact combined with my propensity to forget minor, pinching-oriented holidays has led to a lot of discomfort on St. Patrick’s Days past.

Maybe you are like me. Maybe you wonder what the big whoop is about wearing green on St. Patrick’s Day. Maybe, like me, you are thinking, “Who cares if I forget to wear green?! Where did this pinching stuff start? Piers Morgan IS the worst, isn’t he?!”

Today is your lucky day, and not just because of the beer drinking and pots of gold associated with this holiday. Today I am finally going to get to the bottom of this pinching thing for all those who do not have access to Google.

The theory is that leprechauns cannot see people who are wearing green. People are supposed to pinch those who are not wearing green as a reminder that the leprechauns can see them. If a person is pinched and it turns out that he or she is wearing green, that person is supposed to pinch the original pincher ten times. And then the original pincher typically punches the second pincher in the arm as hard as he or she can, claiming to have seen a “slug bug.”

There is one glaring flaw in this theory: Leprechauns do not exist. Obnoxious people do, though, as is proven year after year.

The pinching of those who have neglected to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day is not even an Irish tradition. As we have managed to do with so many other holidays, Americans have managed to turn a religious observance into a drunken pinchfest. The pinching tradition began on our soil back in the 1700s, as did the tradition of eating corned beef with our cabbage. To my understanding, a traditional St. Patrick’s Day meal in Ireland consists of Irish bacon or sausage and cabbage. There might even be a little pinching, but I bet they don’t blame it on the leprechauns.

Since we Americans are in the business of altering holiday traditions to meet our own ends, I suggest that we start pinching Piers Morgan on St. Patrick’s Day and leave the rest of us alone.


Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. Any opinions stated in this column are her own and not necessarily those of St. George News.

Email: [email protected]

Twitter: @STGnews

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2013, all rights reserved.


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