What the HAYnes? Yes, cellulite-fighting jeans really do exist

HUMOR – Have you ever been riding the range, gitting along the little dogies, and thought to yourself, “These regular jeans are nice, but what this cowgirl could really use is a pair of olive extract or aloe vera-infused Wranglers which also fight cellulite.”

If so, you are in luck. Wrangler recently introduced Denim Spa jeans– a new line of moisturizing, cellulite-fighting, cowboy pants. They are infused with either aloe vera, olive extract, or apricot kernel oil and shea butter and are available for purchase online or in Europe, where people are real suckers for American cowboy crap.

Unless someone has invented a cellulite-fighting, skin moisturizing yoga pants-skinny jean hybrid, I cannot imagine a more ideal product to market to the female residents of Washington County. But female residents of Washington County are far too frugal to fall for these types of marketing schemes.

The response of the average Southern Utah woman would most likely be, “Why would I buy a $150 pair of moisturizing jeans when I can wear regular jeans and apply a 50 cent blob of lotion to my legs? Why am I even wearing jeans?! Forget this. Get me my yoga pants.” Either that, or within a week you would see a bunch of “DIY Moisturizing Jeans” links all over Pinterest.

Getting pretty is so expensive and requires so much effort that sometimes I want to stick it to the whole institution. I want to throw away the lotions, the make-up, the eyebrow pluckers, the razors, the hairspray, the corsets – all of it. I want to go au natural. This feeling strikes about once a year, so I try it. I stop curling my hair and applying the face paint. I wear comfortable clothes. I try to let my inner beauty shine through.

Unfortunately, it is my inner Nick Nolte that usually shines through.

This leads me to my next grievance with the beautification industry: It only exists because their marketing geniuses have convinced us that we are unacceptable in our natural state. They would have us think that our eyelashes are too sparse, our skin is too pale or too dark or too dry, hair should not grow in places other than our scalp, the hair on our scalp is the wrong color, we need to smell of Japanese cherry blossoms.

I am sick of it.

So what if I look like Nick Nolte when I am not wearing make-up? Maybe I should learn to love my celebrity mug shot look. Heaven knows the little dogies out on the range don’t care what I look like.


Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. Any opinions stated in this column are her own and not necessarily those of St. George News.

Email: [email protected]

Twitter: @STGnews

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2013, all rights reserved.

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1 Comment

  • Julia February 7, 2013 at 7:15 am

    These anti-cellulite jeans aren’t the solution to the problem…to get rid of cellulite us needed the right nutrition an the right exercises like these: http://bit.ly/11s8ZNZ

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