What the HAYnes? Watch out ‘Bad Guys’ the girl’s got a gun

Bad guy target practice
Photo by Elise Haynes, St. George News

HUMOR – So you have received a firearm as a gift. You may be wondering, “What now?” or “Why couldn’t my husband have given me the Deluxe Scrabble game that I have asked for every year for the past 10 Christmases of our marriage?!”

Never fear, Elise Haynes, humor columnist and newfound gun somewhat-enthusiast, is here to assuage your fears and answer your gun-related quandaries. Some of them, anyway.

For Christmas I was given a .45-caliber Kimber handgun from my husband. He has since remarked that my gun came to me with a “100 percent fidelity guarantee.” We shall see. Giving a pistol to your wife for Christmas is surely a sign of a trusting, healthy relationship. And a side bonus of owning a gun is that my husband has been much more willing to put his dirty socks in the hamper and load the dishwasher the way I like it.

Anyway, for those readers who have received semi-automatic weaponry as a gift and are wondering what to do next, I have compiled all of the gun wisdom I have gained in the past few weeks for your reading enjoyment:

First you need to learn gun safety, and that is no joke. A good way to learn about gun safety is to take a concealed weapons class and obtain your concealed carry permit. This makes it legally possible to hide a gun in your purse along with your lip gloss and that Nicolas Sparks Redbox that you keep forgetting to return. Above all, you want to avoid learning about gun safety through sad experience. As with anything else, that is the hardest way to learn.

Target practice, Washington County, Utah, Dec. 27, 2012 | Photo by Elise Haynes, St. George News

Next, you want to practice shooting your gun so that if you find yourself in a situation where a cardboard box is threatening you from twenty feet away you will be prepared. Not long after he gave me my gun, my husband drove our family out to the desert amidst piles of skeet shards and obliterated televisions for target practice. He fashioned a Bad Guy out of a cardboard box, complete with angry eyes and a downturned mouth. I then spent the afternoon taking five minutes to aim my gun between shots. I hope that any Bad Guys who attack me are willing to wait for me to aim before they attack. Unfortunately for me, Bad Guys are not known for their patience.

It bears mentioning that a significant responsibility for a gun owner is the ability to accurately identify Bad Guys. Here are some criteria that I use:  If you have broken into my house in the middle of the night to kidnap my children, you are a Bad Guy. If you drag me into the bushes surrounding the jogging trail, you are a Bad Guy. If you attempt to carjack my car, you are a Bad Guy.

If upon reading these criteria you suspect that you may be a Bad Guy, it is not too late to seek help. If you do not wish to be shot at close range, by all means find the help that you need. Just know that in the meantime I am armed. And it only takes me five minutes to aim.


Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. Any opinions stated in this column are her own and not necessarily those of St. George News.

Email: [email protected]

Twitter: @STGnews

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2013, all rights reserved.

Bad guy target practice
Photo by Elise Haynes, St. George News


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  • Bryan Hyde January 5, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    He bought you a Kimber for Christmas? I’m not sure a man can love a woman more than that.

    • Vincent Mahoney January 5, 2013 at 2:15 pm

      You can, by getting her a Desert Eagle.

  • Annettie Cannavale January 5, 2013 at 6:52 pm

    Whoo hoo! Go girls with guns!

  • elisha January 6, 2013 at 5:04 pm

    If my husband bought me a gun I would seriously wonder what a dope I married.

    • Gunther January 7, 2013 at 8:14 am

      Isn’t it wonderful to have the 1st Amendment of the Bill of Rights so we can voice our opinion on issues. If serious changes are to ever happen with our 2nd Amendment, eliminating the 1st would be next in line. Because if people don’t have guns, why should they have an opinion too. Then the 4th would be next so police can search for violations of the 2nd without being burdened with a silly search warrant. Don’t think for a second that this is not the ultimate plan of the group currently in power. Stand up now to fight for ALL of your rights before they systematically disappear.

  • Julia January 7, 2013 at 6:26 am

    I got a Mossberg shotgun one year for Valentine’s Day! Yes, that is exactly what I wanted! A woman back east defended her children by hiding her kids in the crawl space and shot the guy who broke into her house with a .38 caliber. I believe in protecting yours and mine.

  • Jason January 7, 2013 at 10:21 am

    Right on the money Gunther!

  • zacii January 8, 2013 at 10:56 am

    Now get yourself some good training, and in no time at all, you’ll be sending a pair of 230 grain flying ashtrays on their way in less than 1.5 seconds.

  • DoubleTap January 8, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    Santa brought my wife a S&W M&P Shield in .40 cal. and had aready given me back my Kimber Ultra II CDP. The Shield fits better in her bag nicely. Oh, BTW….she has already put more than 500 rounds through it since Christmas day. And she had her CCW before I did.

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