Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. For the past two years my boyfriend has been cheating on me with males and females. I first found out but did not bring it up because I wanted to see if he would bring it up. He never did. 

I brought it up and he said he would never do it again and then changed the subject. So I believed him.

Again, I found out he was doing it again. 

This has happened many times, but I feel like we don’t finish the conversation. He always changes the subject.

He has never apologized. He also has never mentioned to me that he is attracted to the opposite sex.

I did try ending the relationship once but he stated that he loved me and would not do it again. Of course, I believed him.

I have not talked to anyone about this because I always felt that if he did change no one would see him the same. Plus, I don’t have many friends and I don’t want to trouble anyone else with my problems. 

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t trust him anymore. But, I feel like he’s my best friend. Every time we talk about other things we’re fine, it’s like nothing happened. And, he acts like nothing ever happened. He tells me he loves me and is still thinking about our future.

Have I been living a lie for the past three years? 

Is he just using me to cover up his real attraction to men?

Is there a way for me to get though him and talk all this out with out having him change the subject?

Answer

Your boyfriend is manipulating you. He has a serious problem that won’t be fixed by ignoring his behavior and having nice conversations about superficial topics. You are not in a relationship with someone who loves and respects you.

Actually, your boyfriend’s behavior and sexual orientation isn’t my biggest concern. He is going to self-destruct whether he’s alone or with someone else. His life is a circus of selfishness and self-gratification that will end very badly. He doesn’t seem to care to do anything different with his life.

My biggest concern is your inability to protect yourself physically and emotionally.

If you are sexually active with your boyfriend, please recognize that it’s likely you’ve been exposed to sexually transmitted diseases. Even though he doesn’t care about your health and safety, please have the self-respect to get tested and get the proper medical help.

Your inability to see the reality of your situation leaves you unprotected not only physically, but also emotionally. You are needlessly suffering with anxiety in this relationship. I’m the first person to encourage couples to work on their relationship in the aftermath of an affair. The problem in your relationship is that he doesn’t feel bad for what he’s doing, you aren’t willing to face the truth of his behavior, and you guys carry on as if nothing is happening.

Please don’t wait for him to change. I encourage you to open up to someone about your situation. Find someone who is mature, emotionally stable, and can help guide you to safety. Just because your boyfriend is a nice guy doesn’t mean that he cares about you. If he were truly a nice guy, he wouldn’t be exposing you to disease and lying to you about his behavior. Don’t let his friendliness be a smoke screen from the real issues you need to confront.

Your desire to end the relationship and the loss of trust you’re experiencing are all completely healthy and normal in a situation like this. Please get some help and support so you can learn how to stand up for yourself and develop some self-respect. You are deserving of so much more in your life.

Stay connected!

Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He specializes in working with couples in all stages of their relationships. The opinions stated in this article are solely his and not those of St. George News.

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