Question

My husband confuses me. For the first time in his life he gets a good job and now I’m not good enough for him. He stepped on the backs of many people, including mine, to help get where he is today.

Now because I chose to confide in him about some personal issues, he uses them against me, claiming we will be divorced if I don’t get help because my issues are tearing down our marriage.

My only problem is I deal with the fact that he is 300 pounds and very lazy and disgusting at times and also a chain smoker and often I’m not attracted to him; but he claims these issues are not his fault. He won’t compromise any of his issues but wants me to change everything about me.

He is also Christian and feels that I should represent us in church while he works every weekend.

What should I do?

Answer

Your marriage sounds like a pretty unhappy place, full of resentment and contempt for one another. I don’t know how you guys got to this place, but I can’t see how you’re going to last long under these conditions. Since I don’t have both of you in front of me, I’m going to speak to you and share some thoughts about where to go from here.

First, let’s step back and take a look at what you want to change in your own life. It sounds like you’re dealing with some personal issues that you need help resolving. You started out confiding in your husband, but that didn’t go over well. Are you going to give up on making these changes just because he gave you a poor reaction? Or, are you committed to making these changes regardless?

Your response sounded like you didn’t feel you needed to make these changes in your life because he’s lazy, overweight, a chain smoker, and a hypocrite. I don’t see any difference between your logic and his logic. It sounds something like: “I shouldn’t have to do anything different because you’re messed up.” If that were the case, none of us would make changes, because we’re all messed up to one degree or another.

Don’t let his weaknesses and challenges prevent you from making the changes you need to make in your life. It’s human nature to blame others when we feel inadequate or powerless. You are neither of those. Get honest about your personal struggles and find the help you need, regardless of your husband’s ability to support you.

Obviously, there are things to work on in this marriage, as you both appear to have deep resentments for one another. As you get healthier and more congruent with your values, you will have more clarity about what to do with your marriage.
Change what you need to change in your life. If you want to go to church, go to church. If you have other struggles that need changing, work on those. His blaming and criticism of you, hurtful as it is, doesn’t block you from making the changes you need to make. Your lack of progress in your own life doesn’t stick it to your critical husband. Instead, it only keeps you stuck and unhealthy.

Stay connected!

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Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He specializes in working with couples in all stages of their relationships. The opinions stated in this article are solely his and not those of St. George News.

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