Relationship Connection: My husband is a critical hypocrite

Image courtesy of Flickr user hang-in-there

Question

My husband confuses me. For the first time in his life he gets a good job and now I’m not good enough for him. He stepped on the backs of many people, including mine, to help get where he is today.

Now because I chose to confide in him about some personal issues, he uses them against me, claiming we will be divorced if I don’t get help because my issues are tearing down our marriage.

My only problem is I deal with the fact that he is 300 pounds and very lazy and disgusting at times and also a chain smoker and often I’m not attracted to him; but he claims these issues are not his fault. He won’t compromise any of his issues but wants me to change everything about me.

He is also Christian and feels that I should represent us in church while he works every weekend.

What should I do?

Answer

Your marriage sounds like a pretty unhappy place, full of resentment and contempt for one another. I don’t know how you guys got to this place, but I can’t see how you’re going to last long under these conditions. Since I don’t have both of you in front of me, I’m going to speak to you and share some thoughts about where to go from here.

First, let’s step back and take a look at what you want to change in your own life. It sounds like you’re dealing with some personal issues that you need help resolving. You started out confiding in your husband, but that didn’t go over well. Are you going to give up on making these changes just because he gave you a poor reaction? Or, are you committed to making these changes regardless?

Your response sounded like you didn’t feel you needed to make these changes in your life because he’s lazy, overweight, a chain smoker, and a hypocrite. I don’t see any difference between your logic and his logic. It sounds something like: “I shouldn’t have to do anything different because you’re messed up.” If that were the case, none of us would make changes, because we’re all messed up to one degree or another.

Don’t let his weaknesses and challenges prevent you from making the changes you need to make in your life. It’s human nature to blame others when we feel inadequate or powerless. You are neither of those. Get honest about your personal struggles and find the help you need, regardless of your husband’s ability to support you.

Obviously, there are things to work on in this marriage, as you both appear to have deep resentments for one another. As you get healthier and more congruent with your values, you will have more clarity about what to do with your marriage.
Change what you need to change in your life. If you want to go to church, go to church. If you have other struggles that need changing, work on those. His blaming and criticism of you, hurtful as it is, doesn’t block you from making the changes you need to make. Your lack of progress in your own life doesn’t stick it to your critical husband. Instead, it only keeps you stuck and unhealthy.

Stay connected!

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Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He specializes in working with couples in all stages of their relationships. The opinions stated in this article are solely his and not those of St. George News.

Have a relationship question for Geoff to answer? Submit to:

Email: geoff@lovingmarriage.com

Twitter: @geoffsteurer

Facebook: facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2014, all rights reserved.

Image courtesy of Flickr user hang-in-there
Image courtesy of Flickr user hang-in-there

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10 Comments

  • Maudie Fricker February 26, 2014 at 8:42 am

    There are only two words you ever need to say to this type of tyrant: GOOD.BYE.

    Get the heck OUT of there!!!!

    • Ndj February 26, 2014 at 12:57 pm

      I don’t know if this is at all helpful, but “goodbye” is actually only one word.

      • Before February 26, 2014 at 3:00 pm

        The second word would be seven letters, two syllables, begin with A and end with E.

  • Bub February 26, 2014 at 9:37 am

    The folks that claim loudly that they’re “Christians” are the ones you gotta watch out for…
    ,
    I recommend divorce

  • Big Daddy February 26, 2014 at 10:47 am

    Do both you and your husband a favor. Divorce. Then you can both work on whatever problems you may have as individuals.

  • Craig February 26, 2014 at 10:59 am

    Divorce the slob. I find him disgusting and we haven’t even met.

  • Before February 26, 2014 at 1:02 pm

    Before you get divorced, crap out a bunch of kids by this guy and tell any prospective future boyfriend/husband what a worthless father this guy was. Yeah, that ought to attract someone. Why’d you pick such a loser to begin with? Feeling insecure about yourself? Desperate?

  • DivorceCourtJudge February 26, 2014 at 1:39 pm

    I will unconditionally grant you both a divorce without setting foot in my courtroom…….effective immediately.

    • JOSH DALTON March 12, 2014 at 11:44 am

      You and Steve Austin are my new hero!

  • ladybugavenger February 26, 2014 at 7:58 pm

    That ain’t christian

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