I have been seeing a man for five months now that I met online. He came on extremely strong and then started disappearing for a few days to even weeks at a time. He gave excuses such as having business issues or that he’s still trying to get over the pain of his divorce. I know he’s seen other women and eventually found out he’s active on three other dating sites. He’s been open about this fact and even “favorited” me on the dating site.
Can he still be emotionally available to me if he is still apparently seeking relationships online?
Since we’d been physically intimate, I feel betrayed by him. I’ve ended the relationship for now, but now I’m so confused. He’s been divorced four years and he’s a recovering alcoholic. I just don’t understand why he keeps saying he’d like a relationship.
I’m pretty, more educated than him with much higher income, plus super sweet, and my friends think he’s a loser. I don’t get it.
Actually, I think you do get it. You see right through his inability to commit and keep his promises to you. This is why you broke off the pseudo-relationship you had with him. I can’t see how this experience would self-correct on its own. Letting him go was the smartest thing you could have done.
Now, I have no doubt you’re hurt and betrayed by his broken promises and unavailability. However, it would be much worse had you not paid attention to your good sense and good friends. Some people have not prepared themselves to be in a committed relationship.
You ask some important questions and I suspect you already know the answers. The fact that he calls you his “favorite,” but continues to seek other relationships makes it impossible for you to be his true favorite. When something is declared the favorite, the other options go away. You shouldn’t have to fight to maintain your place in the line of women he wants to entertain.
It’s a shame you couldn’t see the warning signs sooner, but I’m glad you eventually saw them. One way to improve your radar detection for losers who want to pretend they’re in a relationship, but really don’t want to be in one, is to get educated about healthy relationships.
I love the book “How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk” by Dr. John Van Epp. Jonathan Decker, a local marriage and family therapist, teaches a free class for single people based on the information found in Dr. Van Epp’s “Jerk” book. I recommend you sign up for the free class and improve your chances of success in future relationships. Click here to register
You are ready for a committed relationship and don’t want to mess around with guys that are full of nice words and promises, but aren’t ready to follow through. You’ll likely run into more guys like him, but you can sift them out sooner once you know what to look for. Don’t stop dating and finding a relationship with a guy who wants to commit to you as much as you want to commit to him. He’s out there; you’ll just have to do some sorting.
- Utah State University Extension – Washington County – How to Avoid Falling in Love with A Jerk – Registration required.
- Next clases are Feb. 13, 20 and 27, at 1487 S. Silicon Way, Ste. A-7, in St. George
Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He specializes in working with couples in all stages of their relationships. The opinions stated in this article are solely his and not those of St. George News.
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