St George News

Relationship Connection: I’ve attracted a loser who won’t commit

Question

I have been seeing a man for five months now that I met online. He came on extremely strong and then started disappearing for a few days to even weeks at a time. He gave excuses such as having business issues or that he’s still trying to get over the pain of his divorce. I know he’s seen other women and eventually found out he’s active on three other dating sites. He’s been open about this fact and even “favorited” me on the dating site.

Can he still be emotionally available to me if he is still apparently seeking relationships online?

Since we’d been physically intimate, I feel betrayed by him. I’ve ended the relationship for now, but now I’m so confused. He’s been divorced four years and he’s a recovering alcoholic. I just don’t understand why he keeps saying he’d like a relationship.

I’m pretty, more educated than him with much higher income, plus super sweet, and my friends think he’s a loser. I don’t get it.

Answer

Actually, I think you do get it. You see right through his inability to commit and keep his promises to you. This is why you broke off the pseudo-relationship you had with him. I can’t see how this experience would self-correct on its own. Letting him go was the smartest thing you could have done.

Now, I have no doubt you’re hurt and betrayed by his broken promises and unavailability. However, it would be much worse had you not paid attention to your good sense and good friends. Some people have not prepared themselves to be in a committed relationship.

You ask some important questions and I suspect you already know the answers. The fact that he calls you his “favorite,” but continues to seek other relationships makes it impossible for you to be his true favorite. When something is declared the favorite, the other options go away. You shouldn’t have to fight to maintain your place in the line of women he wants to entertain.

It’s a shame you couldn’t see the warning signs sooner, but I’m glad you eventually saw them. One way to improve your radar detection for losers who want to pretend they’re in a relationship, but really don’t want to be in one, is to get educated about healthy relationships.

I love the book “How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk” by Dr. John Van Epp. Jonathan Decker, a local marriage and family therapist, teaches a free class for single people based on the information found in Dr. Van Epp’s “Jerk” book. I recommend you sign up for the free class and improve your chances of success in future relationships. Click here to register

You are ready for a committed relationship and don’t want to mess around with guys that are full of nice words and promises, but aren’t ready to follow through. You’ll likely run into more guys like him, but you can sift them out sooner once you know what to look for. Don’t stop dating and finding a relationship with a guy who wants to commit to you as much as you want to commit to him. He’s out there; you’ll just have to do some sorting.

Stay connected!

Resources

Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He specializes in working with couples in all stages of their relationships. The opinions stated in this article are solely his and not those of St. George News.

Have a relationship question for Geoff to answer? Submit to:

Email: geoff@lovingmarriage.com

Twitter: @geoffsteurer

Facebook: facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2014, all rights reserved.

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  6 Comments
  1. Retreads January 22, 2014 at 7:57 am · Reply

    Decent guys want nothing to do with ‘retreads’, women who’ve been through a bunch of douche guys, or should I say a woman who has been circulated around a bunch of loser guys. These retreads are projects in serious need of repair, and like an old car, why waste the time, effort and money on working on an used old car when in the end, you still have a used old car. Decent guys don’t want to hear all the retread’s drama with her former men, either. First repair step for them is to toss out their old baggage; quit hauling it around.

    • bub January 22, 2014 at 12:49 pm · Reply

      Well said. Unfortunately “retreads” as you put it are basically the norm for online dating.

  2. Francis Pope January 22, 2014 at 9:25 am · Reply

    Losers do seem to be attracted to each other! This is a classic example. GROW UP.

  3. Craig January 22, 2014 at 10:06 am · Reply

    Move on and don’t waste anymore time swelling on the loser.

  4. Hunter January 22, 2014 at 2:59 pm · Reply

    She didn’t attract a loser, she picked a loser. She makes it sound like she isn’t a fully capable adult who can decide who she spends time with. Then she compounded the error by “giving it up” without any kind of commitment. There’s a name for people like that, and it’s generally not something people look for in a long term partner.

  5. A Guy January 22, 2014 at 6:11 pm · Reply

    Most of the women I met in StG are drama queens, clones of their girlfriends, desperate or have a bunch of kids they’re looking for someone to pay for. And of course, they are completely brainwashed by their religion. They have no individuality, no personality. wonder guys run away from them.

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