What the HAYnes: A reader’s guide to roughin’ it RV style

HUMOR – Any pioneer man worth his weight in testosterone would look at the opportunity of crossing the plains in a covered wagon as the adventure of a life-time. This is because all men have a pre-determined genetic need to “Rough It”. Since men also tend to appreciate the company of women who smell nice, men found it important to invent something called the “Recreational Vehicle” or RV.

Men love to travel the country in RVs because it allows them to be real manly men and see the country with their wife’s approval. Most of these men would be fine living in a tent with nothing but a fire to keep them warm and MREs for food.

Women, on the other hand, don’t mind humoring men when it comes to RVing but to keep them happy men have outfitted RVs with things like hot running water for showers, refrigeration, microwave ovens, telephones, and internet access.

It takes a real man to deal with all of the challenges of RV life. Here, for the entire world to see, I have a written account of the details of a typical RV adventure.

The first challenge in RVing is finding an appropriate place to park the behemoth machine. Fortunately, there are many RV Parks across this great land and most of them have water, sewer, electricity, cable TV, and internet. What they don’t usually have is a level place to park.

Note to reader: Parking on a non-level pad in an RV isn’t really problematic unless you don’t enjoy being woken up in the middle of the night because you rolled out of bed.

Backing an RV into an RV space can sometimes be tricky because RVs are often parked very close together when camping in simulated wilderness areas as found in many RV parks. The good news is that all of your neighbors generally exit their RVs to watch a newbie backing up (they do this because they want to be sure you don’t hit their rig while backing up.)

Once the RV is parked it’s time to level it and block the wheels. Next, it’s time to retrieve the water hose and wash the spiders out of the hose before hooking it up to the drinking water supply fitting.

It’s a good idea to hook up the water hose before hooking up the sewer hose to the black water tank, as the sewer hose often has somewhat slimy goo on it that often contaminates your hands, and that can’t be good to have on the hose that supplies drinking water.

Note to reader: Black water is a polite, RVer way of saying poop water.

Helpful Tip: It is important to buy a quality sewer hose as saving a dollar or two on a cheap sewer hose sounds good until the hose gets a pin hole in it and then it squirts “Black Water” into your eyes or mouth (which for some reason is where it always seems to end up.)

Next hook up the cable TV, open the awning for shade, then enter the RV to unsecure the secured items, then turn on the gas, and make sure the refrigerator is working.

RV’ers don’t mind doing all this when they rough it because it saves them the trouble of having to carry a suitcase into a motel room that has maid service, comfortable beds, free continental breakfasts, and a bathroom you can expel flatulence in without your neighbors getting a good laugh.

The best part of living in an RV is the home-cooked meals. There is nothing like the taste of a home cooked meal that was cooked in a kitchen that is not much larger than a small closet.

Another real joy of RVing is showering. Most RV showers are about the size steamer trunk and most RV water heaters contain upward of 7 gallons. This means that to really enjoy a good shower in an RV you need two things: Speed and the abilities of a circus contortionist.

Before I leave I feel it incumbent to share with you the most important tip for happy RVing: Never leave the drain to the black water tank open. Doing so allows the “Water” portion of the waste to drain off while the solids are left behind. This results in what is known as a “Brown Mountain” which can only be removed by professionals who lost their sense of smell years ago in an unfortunate rhinoplasty gone wrong.

Happy Camping!

 

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John Carter
John Carter

John Carter is temporarily stepping in for his daughter, Elise Haynes, as she deals with the wonders and glories of moving. Carter is a well known radio personality who co-hosts the morning show with Marty Lane on 97.7 Big Classic Country (our sympathies to Marty Lane).  He is also known to throw on a good ole country-western dance party and is far too easily amused by lousy George Takai impersonations.

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Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2013, all rights reserved.

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