What the HAYnes? Where are the Twinkies?

 HUMOR – After an eight month absence, that felt more like eight years, Hostess Twinkies returned to store shelves last week in what Hostess has named “the sweetest comeback in the history of ever.” As @Friscokid49 tweeted so eloquently, “Twinkies are back. Wearing a bikini was nice while it lasted.”

But are Twinkies really back?

I have heard rumors of Twinkies, seen pictures of Twinkies, but I have not seen Twinkies on a store shelf. Twinkies have proven themselves the most elusive of all snack cakes.

Out of selfless concern for my readers, and not because I am craving junk food that is capable of surviving nuclear holocaust, I took it upon myself to call almost every distributer of Hostess products in the St. George area, in search of the mysterious Twinkie. I would have called all of them, but after a while, it occurred to me that calling grocery stores is really boring. Also, the results were depressing.

Of the 10 or so grocery and convenience stores that I called, only two answered affirmatively when asked if they had Twinkies in stock. The guy I talked to at Hart’s Convenience Store on Green Springs Drive said something like this, “Twinkies? Yeah, we’ve got some … oh wait. Nope. They’re gone.” Thanks a lot, Hart’s guy, you destroyer of hope.

The only store that actually had Twinkies on its shelves when I called was the Albertson’s on the corner of Sunset Blvd. and Dixie Drive. Even then, the grocery manager assured me that they would be gone by the time this news reached my readers. I told you that grocery store phone calls are depressing.

So where are all of the Twinkies?

Every grocer that I spoke with told the same sad tale: America is experiencing Twinkie rationing. Twinkie orders are three to six times greater than the production capacity of the four Hostess bakeries in the United States.

According to my source, who will remain anonymous because I forgot to ask him his name, a shipment of five cases of Twinkies hit the shelves of the Maverick Convenience Store on Hilton Drive at 7:30 a.m. and was sold out by 8 a.m. the same day. My source also said that if people would cease with what he termed the “panic buying of Twinkies,” they would realize that there are enough Twinkies for everyone. Twinkies are not going anywhere.

But I am not as concerned about the future of the Twinkie as I am about the future of the Hostess Chocodile. For the uninitiated, a Chocodile is basically a Twinkie that has been improved upon by coating it in a layer of brown chocolate-flavored substance. It is delicious.

Unfortunately, the Hostess representative that I spoke with said, “there is no talk in the near future about the continuation of the Chocodile,” with no hint of laughter or mocking in her voice. As disheartening as this news was, I considered her straight-faced delivery of it, a Herculean feat of professionalism.

The real skinny on the Hostess situation is this: Be patient. The Twinkies are on their way. And we are fortunate to live in a time when our greatest concern is where we will find our next Twinkie fix; even if it does mean that we can’t fit into a bikini.

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Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. Any opinions stated in this column are her own and not necessarily those of St. George News.

Email: news@stgnews.com

Twitter: @STGnews

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2013, all rights reserved.

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8 Comments

  • Maggie July 27, 2013 at 11:13 am

    Do not forget not only are Twinkies delicious, but they are the new speak for let’s ignore Michelle and there is life after the unions. I am not a regular Twinkie eater ,although they are delicious, my BMI tells me I should use discretion. However I like to partake of this treat occasionally and when I choose to do so. Who would have ever thought growing up, that a Twinkie would become political message.
    Long live Twinkies!!!!!!!!!

  • Patrick July 27, 2013 at 11:29 am

    Saw a whole display of them at the Albertsons on Sunset last Saturday and bought a box at the Wal-mart in Washington on Monday. I didn’t think they were that hard to find.

  • Brian July 27, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    Nice article….
    One correction though

    Now, I don’t know if you added it, for the funny factor it projects, but contrary to popular MYTH, Twinkies will not survive a nuclear blast. Nor do they have a shelf life of 25 + years….. Both of these myths have been debunked several times.

  • Ding Dong July 27, 2013 at 3:25 pm

    Where are the Twinkies? St George churches are full of Twinkies, if you know what I mean.

  • Heather July 27, 2013 at 4:15 pm

    Thank you. I found this post trying to figure out where to find them since I can’t seem to run across any either!

  • Tyler July 28, 2013 at 12:15 am

    Area Walmart stores can’t keep them on the shelves. The second trucks arrive, crowds swoop them up, it’s mayhem!

  • Darth Hucklebuck August 17, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    As an east coaster I’ve been deprived of chocodiles for years. They were sold in singles at 7-11 for 25¢. My favorite junk food ever. I actually just made homemade chocodiles using dip made for frozen bananas that I found at Wal-Mart. We should start a campaign. Bring back the Chocodile nationwide! Nom nom nom

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