HUMOR – So you have received a firearm as a gift. You may be wondering, “What now?” or “Why couldn’t my husband have given me the Deluxe Scrabble game that I have asked for every year for the past 10 Christmases of our marriage?!”
Never fear, Elise Haynes, humor columnist and newfound gun somewhat-enthusiast, is here to assuage your fears and answer your gun-related quandaries. Some of them, anyway.
For Christmas I was given a .45-caliber Kimber handgun from my husband. He has since remarked that my gun came to me with a “100 percent fidelity guarantee.” We shall see. Giving a pistol to your wife for Christmas is surely a sign of a trusting, healthy relationship. And a side bonus of owning a gun is that my husband has been much more willing to put his dirty socks in the hamper and load the dishwasher the way I like it.
Anyway, for those readers who have received semi-automatic weaponry as a gift and are wondering what to do next, I have compiled all of the gun wisdom I have gained in the past few weeks for your reading enjoyment:
First you need to learn gun safety, and that is no joke. A good way to learn about gun safety is to take a concealed weapons class and obtain your concealed carry permit. This makes it legally possible to hide a gun in your purse along with your lip gloss and that Nicolas Sparks Redbox that you keep forgetting to return. Above all, you want to avoid learning about gun safety through sad experience. As with anything else, that is the hardest way to learn.
Next, you want to practice shooting your gun so that if you find yourself in a situation where a cardboard box is threatening you from twenty feet away you will be prepared. Not long after he gave me my gun, my husband drove our family out to the desert amidst piles of skeet shards and obliterated televisions for target practice. He fashioned a Bad Guy out of a cardboard box, complete with angry eyes and a downturned mouth. I then spent the afternoon taking five minutes to aim my gun between shots. I hope that any Bad Guys who attack me are willing to wait for me to aim before they attack. Unfortunately for me, Bad Guys are not known for their patience.
It bears mentioning that a significant responsibility for a gun owner is the ability to accurately identify Bad Guys. Here are some criteria that I use: If you have broken into my house in the middle of the night to kidnap my children, you are a Bad Guy. If you drag me into the bushes surrounding the jogging trail, you are a Bad Guy. If you attempt to carjack my car, you are a Bad Guy.
If upon reading these criteria you suspect that you may be a Bad Guy, it is not too late to seek help. If you do not wish to be shot at close range, by all means find the help that you need. Just know that in the meantime I am armed. And it only takes me five minutes to aim.
Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. Any opinions stated in this column are her own and not necessarily those of St. George News.
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