HUMOR – I need everyone to try something for me. Open up Google on your phone or computer or whatever and type the word “why” into the search box. Don’t hit search, just wait for Google to bring up the list of frequently searched phrases beginning with “why.” If my calculations are correct, the first search option that should pull up is “why are mormons so hot.” That’s right. This search won out over “why is the sky blue” and “why do cats purr.” Clearly I’ve unwittingly stumbled upon a hot topic here.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to discuss religion here—or politics—so this won’t get awkward or anything. I’m just going to make sweeping generalizations about a large group of people. I should mention that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I’m a Mormon. I know a lot of other Mormons, especially since I’ve lived in Utah off and on for the past 31 years. I also have Google at the ready. So for today’s purposes let’s consider Elise Haynes the world’s foremost expert on Mormons, or at least the hotness of Mormons.
Mormons come in many varieties, just like Doritos and Supreme Court Justices. Just try doing a Google image search of “mormon people.” I would never have believed such a diverse array of Mormons existed if I hadn’t viewed the results with my own eyes – white Mormons, black Mormons, ancient Native American Mormons, boy Mormons, girl Mormons, Mormons who wear glasses, Mormons caring for the elderly, Mormons kissing their Tony Award. Everyone from Mitt Romney to Christina Aguilera to the Geico caveman is represented. And as we all know, we can immediately believe anything we read or see on the internet without having to do further research on reputable websites, or even clicking on the link to see if the information is relevant.
The real question is – what are you looking for? Are you into blonde Mormon musicians? We’ve got those. Are redheaded Democrat Mormons your thing? We’ve got those. Looking for a Mormon South African of Indian descent who is also good at Scrabble? I’m sure we could rustle up a few of those. There are Mormons in almost every country and of almost every socio-economic status in the world. There aren’t many of us, relatively speaking, but we’re out there. Once you determine what—in your opinion—is hot, there is almost always a Mormon to meet your criteria. There should be some kind of online database for this, like IMDb. It could be called the Internet Mormon Database. (Note to self: Invent Internet Mormon Database. Make billions just like that Zuckerberg guy. Retire on an island somewhere near the equator.)
Just like Doritos, not every Mormon will be your flavor. If you’re looking for more of a “Cool Ranch” Mormon and keep accidentally finding “Buffalo Wing and Blue Cheese” Mormons, keep looking. If you haven’t found a flavor that you like yet, be patient. They’re coming out with more and more bizarre flavors every day. And just like Supreme Court Justices, some Mormons might make decisions that you disagree heartily with. Don’t give up. There are usually other Supreme Court Justices with opposing opinions. Some Supreme Court Justices are mean. Some are nice. Some are embarrassing. Some have cool hair. The point is, there’s a Supreme Court Justice, er, Mormon, for everyone. You just have to keep looking.
Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. In 2012, her column with St. George News runs weekly under the title, “What the HAYnes?”
The opinions stated in this article are the columnist’s own and not those of St. George News.
Copyright 2012 St. George News.