HUMOR – I need everyone to try something for me. Open up Google on your phone or computer or whatever and type the word “why” into the search box. Don’t hit search, just wait for Google to bring up the list of frequently searched phrases beginning with “why.” If my calculations are correct, the first search option that should pull up is “why are mormons so hot.” That’s right. This search won out over “why is the sky blue” and “why do cats purr.” Clearly I’ve unwittingly stumbled upon a hot topic here.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to discuss religion here—or politics—so this won’t get awkward or anything. I’m just going to make sweeping generalizations about a large group of people. I should mention that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I’m a Mormon. I know a lot of other Mormons, especially since I’ve lived in Utah off and on for the past 31 years. I also have Google at the ready. So for today’s purposes let’s consider Elise Haynes the world’s foremost expert on Mormons, or at least the hotness of Mormons.
Mormons come in many varieties, just like Doritos and Supreme Court Justices. Just try doing a Google image search of “mormon people.” I would never have believed such a diverse array of Mormons existed if I hadn’t viewed the results with my own eyes – white Mormons, black Mormons, ancient Native American Mormons, boy Mormons, girl Mormons, Mormons who wear glasses, Mormons caring for the elderly, Mormons kissing their Tony Award. Everyone from Mitt Romney to Christina Aguilera to the Geico caveman is represented. And as we all know, we can immediately believe anything we read or see on the internet without having to do further research on reputable websites, or even clicking on the link to see if the information is relevant.
The real question is – what are you looking for? Are you into blonde Mormon musicians? We’ve got those. Are redheaded Democrat Mormons your thing? We’ve got those. Looking for a Mormon South African of Indian descent who is also good at Scrabble? I’m sure we could rustle up a few of those. There are Mormons in almost every country and of almost every socio-economic status in the world. There aren’t many of us, relatively speaking, but we’re out there. Once you determine what—in your opinion—is hot, there is almost always a Mormon to meet your criteria. There should be some kind of online database for this, like IMDb. It could be called the Internet Mormon Database. (Note to self: Invent Internet Mormon Database. Make billions just like that Zuckerberg guy. Retire on an island somewhere near the equator.)
Just like Doritos, not every Mormon will be your flavor. If you’re looking for more of a “Cool Ranch” Mormon and keep accidentally finding “Buffalo Wing and Blue Cheese” Mormons, keep looking. If you haven’t found a flavor that you like yet, be patient. They’re coming out with more and more bizarre flavors every day. And just like Supreme Court Justices, some Mormons might make decisions that you disagree heartily with. Don’t give up. There are usually other Supreme Court Justices with opposing opinions. Some Supreme Court Justices are mean. Some are nice. Some are embarrassing. Some have cool hair. The point is, there’s a Supreme Court Justice, er, Mormon, for everyone. You just have to keep looking.
Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. In 2012, her column with St. George News runs weekly under the title, “What the HAYnes?”
The opinions stated in this article are the columnist’s own and not those of St. George News.
email: [email protected]
twitter: @STGnews
Copyright 2012 St. George News.
Ummm… Has anyone noticed the Author is extrmely hot?
dude get over it she odviously is married
Love it 🙂
It’s interesting that that’s what Google thinks your asking. But I will say that Utah does have the most attractive women out of any other state i’ve ever been to. I’m originally from California, and it’s know for having the most beautiful women, but i feel like Cali has nothing on Utah!
Todd, we were all trying not to state the obvious. Maybe it just comes from having a hotmail email address.
Utah does have some hot scenery-I’m not just talkin the deserts either!! More than a specific religion, Utah and really the entire west coast for that matter, has a really good gene pool. Not tryin to hate but…eastcoast girls or southern girls…they jus don’t got it goin on ha!
Maybe its our kindness that makes us more appealing
To participate in an interesting call-in radio show on “Mormonism”, go to http://www.k-talk.com on Sunday evenings at 5pm Mountain time.
I tried it. Not even in the top 10 today. Google users are so fickle. I missed my chance of being hot.
“Hotness” is in the eye of the beholder….
Google does not bring up the same frequent phrases for “Why”, when I type it in. I get “why is the sky blue” at the top. And “why are mormons so hot” (or anything mormon) isn’t visible on the list. Neither is it (or anything mormon) on the list for “why are”, nor for “why are mormons” I have to type in “why are mormons so” to see it, and it is way down the list, “why are mormons so nice” at the top.
I don’t know why you saw it. Could it be I’m in Minnesota and you’re in the west someplace, and Google adjusts the list based on location?
BTW, I married a mormon girl… and we’re still happily married.
yes, google and most other search sites do tailor their results based on the user’s location, which is determined by ip address.
Todd, I couldn’t agree with you more brother!
I think I’m going to vomit
I thought the stgnews doesn’t censor. I recall Joyce having commented on that in another article in response to a reader accusing them. Looks like they actually do.
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This story still makes me want to vomit, but even more so now because of the ridiculous policing.
Lol! Funny… I thought article was hilarious. I’m not a Mormon either but I appreciate people that have a sense of humor about themselves. Everyone knows this is a humor column right?
Hope u make it to the toilet, feel bad for anyone who would take u out for a drink if that’s all it takes for u to vomit……. Maybe u should see a doctor!
The reality is Google tracks everything a user does on any of their websites. Be it a search, gmail, youtube, etc. They then use the information to display relevant advertising. They also use that information for search suggestions (what you are seeing) because so many people using in your area are searching for “why are mormons so hot” it displays that. But if you were to go to New York and type in “why” it will show something different as the top search.
Hell yea the author is so fine for a white gurl haha!!
As mentioned above, the “why are mormons so hot” is only the top result when you are searching from certain areas, like Utah. When searching from SoCal, I had to type in “why are mor…” before the choice “why are Mormons so hot” appeared, and it was number three. (Number one was “why are mormons so nice” and two was “why are mormons not Christians”).
The result is pretty interesting. Apparently alot of people must perform web searches asking that question, especially in Utah, which would make sense because there are so many Mormons there.
Still, I’m glad to see that “why are mormons so nice” and “why are mormons so hot” are way above “why are mormons weird” or “why are mormons against gay marriage” or something antagonistic, even when searching from Beverly Hills or New York City. Maybe people who have enough interest in Mormons to search about them have met a Mormon and were impressed by their niceness/hotness. In any case, long live hot, nice Mormons.
maybe its the fact that we are so nice that makes us more attractive. Love thy neighbor that’s how we live our lives, being Mormon and living in Utah and no were else my entire life it seems as just a normal way of life we are no different than anyone else. We just have different standards and sometimes different views on things.
Haha, lovely.
Damitrius Washington, I love your name. Even if it isn’t real.
jesijane, I have to agree and disagree with you. I do believe that the “love they neighbor” principle applies to the way Mormons live their lives very deeply, but don’t think it’s a virtue to have lived in one place your whole life and nowhere else. I’m a Mormon girl myself, but I’ve lived outside of Utah for most of my life. The Mormons I knew there were also pretty “normal” (though quite a bit more diverse! haha) and had just as high standards as all Mormons across the globe. In fact, I think a group of people all with the same religion living in one place forever is not very ideal. Imagine how close-minded someone could become if they only knew people who were like them. Such a type of society doesn’t promote “love thy neighbor,” it decreases the likelihood of someone practicing that principle when they meet someone who isn’t like them, especially if it’s a religious dealio and makes the person question their standards.
I am by no means saying that makes all Mormons who live in Utah bad! I’m just saying that I actually noticed a decrease in that “love they neighbor” kind of attitude towards absolutely everyone when I moved back to Utah a few years ago. I was surprised at the common knowledge people didn’t know, their ignorance of cultures outside of their own, and lack of tact around people who were different from them. Agh, this is a bit difficult for me because I don’t in any way want to speak out against people of my own religion (or at least make it look like I am because I’m really not), I’m just saying that never being among diversity stunts learning and negates compassion.
Also, most people outside the Mormon faith are compassionate as well. (This is speaking to people who live in Mormon culture, just soes you know.) They might not have quite the same standards as Mormons, but that “love thy neighbor” attitude is alive just as strong in just about all other religious around the world, as well as in people who don’t worship at all. Now, I’m going to mention something a little dangerous, but I plead with everyone here to keep an open mind. One of the first conversations my little sister had with another girl her age when we’d just barely moved back to Utah went: “So, are you a Mormon?” “…Yeah.” “Good, I can be friends with you.” Now, not every Mormon child has such an attitude (this particular girl was a bit of a young fanatic and I doubt it was something her parents had taught her) and she was by no means being cruel or malicious, but it is secure evidence of the kind of prejudice a society can develop if everyone is all the same. All of this girl’s friends had always been Mormon, so she had no reason to believe she was wrong. If my sister and I had lived by the same principle, however, we’d have had no friends at all. I’ve never had a Mormon friend until I moved here.
And again, this isn’t only true of Mormon Utah! Any society would behave this way in such a situation. Look at Japan’s attitude towards “foreigners” or America’s general ignorance of European culture (I think that’s the main reason they all think we’re stupid over there, btw). If everyone’s the same, people don’t have that much opportunity to grow out of their ignorance unless they emerge from their secure little bubble of familiarity and try to learn from people completely different from themselves. Then they can discover that despite differences, all people are pretty similar fundamentally. For instance, when I was four, my family lived in an apartment across from an Arabic Muslim family. One day my mother and the mother of their family were sitting outside on their front porches facing each other. My mom: “So, what did you do today?” Their mom: “Oh, nothing. Everything.” And that was exactly how my Mormon culture-born and raised mother felt. They became fast friends. My best friend is a South-Korean born atheist/agnostic (she can’t decide which) democrat. What first brought us together: A burning love of Harry Potter. I wish everyone would be able to meet diverse people like I did my entire childhood, so they could know how beautiful such a thing is.
So sorry to make this into debate/discussion thing, I just have VERY strong opinions about things like this, for obvious reasons haha. (And I talk too much.) But I have this strong opinion because I just want everyone to love each other! Corny? Yeah. Unrealistic? Probably. True? One hundred percent. 😉
Anyways, I liked the article! It was funny and nicely done. Great job, Elise Haynes!
because it’s getting hot in Utah
A couple of years ago, my husband and I met with 2 guys from Colorado, here in st.george. One of the guys said , why are the women here in Utah so beautiful? I started thinking about that and I think its because most of us try dressing nice, we are clean and we don’t have the yellow teeth and leather skin that a lot of smokers and drinkers have. I’m not trying to say your ugly or all people have those things if you drink or smoke but I think it helps most peoples looks to stay away from that.
We’re hotter cuz we have these granny panties sticking out our backs so the boys can’t see our bum bums until we “seal the deal” at the old temple!