Internet, wheatgrass and superpowers (HUMOR)

EDITOR’S NOTE:  Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard SaleThe opinions stated in this article are solely her own and not those of St. George News.

I’m feeling disillusioned.  You may be shocked to read this, but it turns out that you can’t trust everything you read on the internet.  That Google—it’s just a gigantic crap shoot.

It all started with my New Year’s resolutions.  I had this idea that I wanted to eat more healthy foods, so I made a goal to learn to sprout and juice wheatgrass at home.  I’ve read that drinking a shot of wheatgrass juice is equivalent to eating two and a half pounds of vegetables, but without the agony of having to eat actual vegetables.  The chlorophyll is good for your blood.  It has a complete protein.  It has antioxidants (like most consumers, I’m a sucker for a good antioxidant).  It gives you x-ray vision and super strength.  It can even get you more on your tax return.

Trust me, I Googled it.

About a week ago I planted a little tray of wheat sprouts in my kitchen.  I watered it faithfully morning and night.  I sang a lullaby to it every night and tucked it in.  My children enjoyed watching it grow.  This morning it was finally ready for the slaughter.  I clamped my stainless steel manual juicer to the counter and snipped off a little pile of grass.  My kitchen filled with the heady aroma of freshly-cut grass as I cranked and cranked on the juicer, mentally debating which initial I would embroider on my super suit.  First initial?  Last initial?  Or something ambiguous, like a lightning bolt?  Before I could make a firm decision my little shot glass was filled with the dark green juice.

I held my glass (which was actually my kid’s plastic cup, the smallest thing I could find) aloft, said a toast to my children (something generic about the future being as bright as our dreams—I don’t remember, I was just so anxious for my superpowers) and drained my cup in one shot.

The internet lied.

I drank the wheatgrass juice.  I don’t have super strength or x-ray vision.  I think I have just as many oxidants floating around in me as I did this morning.  As nearly as I can tell, the only physical change I’ve noticed is that when I burp (yes, I burp—we’re all adults here) it smells exactly like a soccer field.

I’m not sure about this healthy eating thing, either.  I have friends (and by friends I mean people who are honest about their burping) who have dabbled in what they call the raw diet.  Have you heard of this insanity?  Nothing baked.  Nothing boiled.  Nothing grilled.  It is exactly what you’d think:  raw food all of the time.  I like my food baked.  I like my food grilled, especially my cheeseburgers.  I think eating over-processed convenience food is what separates us from the wild animals.  That and tall electrified fences with coils of barbed wire on top.

I’m taking a stand.  I do not enjoy the taste of grass.  I’m tired of being bound by ill-thought out New Year’s resolutions.  I’m disenchanted with the internet and its empty promises. From now on, I’m going to sit on my couch watching reruns of The Office, eating Chubby Hubby straight out of the carton with a humongous spoon.  Or maybe I’ll give the wheatgrass a day or two to kick in.  I don’t know.

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Posted in Columnists, Opinion / Columns / ShowsTagged ,

2 Comments

  • Wheatgrass Benefits January 20, 2012 at 8:53 pm

    Elise,

    Interesting article I enjoyed reading it… you are funny.

    I know how you feel about honesty and burping it is important. LOL

    It is fun to grow wheatgrass I know and my children really enjoy watching it grow. I have a boy that is 5 and a girl that is 2. Sometimes their little minds get to going they jump out of bed just to go see the trays that are growing it is pretty funny to watch them. They do know that it starts as a seed then it sprouts and starts getting taller and greener then we cut it and juice it. It is like a little adventure for them, I just love the magic curiosity of our children.

    Anyway I really hope you get something good out of your wheatgrass experience it is truly a nutrient rich plant and one of the main reasons I started using it was for its cleansing properties. Of course i have been using it for years now and I love it, I encourage you to continue with your journey it is a rewarding one.

    I am not at the X-Ray vision level yet… LOL. but I do experience many other healthy benefits from using it. It is not a magic bullet that with one shot the woman of steel is created, but it is a natural nutrient rich plant that has been use successfully to boost health and it has been used for years with great results.

    I do wish you the best and I loved your story it put a smile on my face reading it.

  • Anne January 22, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    Congrats on your first article! You are truly the next Erma Bombeck!!! Let’s hear it for syndicated articles and books!

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