Relationship Connection: My new husband ignores me when his kids visit

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Question

I’ve been married to my husband for about a year. I don’t have any children, but he has three children who stay in our home several times a month as part of the shared custody arrangement he has with his ex-wife. I get along well with his kids, and it seems like they feel good about me. I try to make our home a comfortable and welcoming place for them when they are here.

My frustration is not necessarily the kids but what happens to my husband when they are here. As soon as they arrive, it’s as if we’re not even married anymore. He schedules things that don’t include me, he won’t acknowledge me when I enter the room if he’s hanging out with them and he generally becomes more cold and aloof toward me. It’s so confusing and frustrating.

I thought our marriage was strong, but I’m beginning to wonder how strong it is. He doesn’t seem to recognize this when I bring it to his attention. I’m not sure what to do.

Answer

Divorce, remarriage and blending a family is disorienting for even the most earnest and aware parent. There are genuine efforts to meet all of the competing demands and be there for those they love.

However, it’s more common to have difficulties and messiness as the process unfolds. I have no doubt that your husband is a great partner and probably a great father but just isn’t sure how to blend the two worlds.

The fact that he doesn’t recognize these patterns isn’t all that uncommon. We all have blind spots and believe we are doing the best we can. The bigger question is whether he is open to your feedback and influence.

When you bring these concerns to his attention, does he dismiss them as unimportant? If he’s open to your observations and feelings, then stay with it and continue to work with him until it’s working for everyone. If he’s not open to your experience, then this is the bigger problem that needs to be resolved.

It’s understandable that you would feel shocked and confused when he becomes consumed with his children’s affection at your expense. I know this will be difficult for you, but I encourage you to not play small and shrink away.

Own your place in this family and move toward your husband and his children instead of pulling back. If they don’t want you there, then that conversation needs to happen. My guess is that they aren’t actively rejecting you but are instead clueless about the need to include you.

For example, if he schedules something without you, let him know you want to attend with them. If they’re playing a game and don’t acknowledge you when you walk in the room, sit down and ask if you can join. Continue to pull your husband aside in private moments and let him know how important it is for you to be included, even though they are in your home.

Your husband has membership in two cultures – your marriage and his children – and ideally should be the bridge between them. However, if he’s slow to respond or doesn’t have the skillset to know how to pull this off, don’t be afraid to jump in and be part of this new world.

Make sure you don’t join in these interactions with a resentful or “poor me” attitude. This isn’t a time to be dramatic in front of the children. Save your frustrations for your private talks with him, and let the children see that you’re glad to be with them. The children aren’t doing anything wrong by not including you.

Also, please recognize that it’s okay for your husband to have time alone with his children that doesn’t include you. They share a history and culture that was threatened by the divorce and remarriage. Sometimes the children need a break from trying to figure out a new relationship with their stepparent and just want to relax and be with what feels familiar to them.

It’s a sacrifice for you, but it’s a generous offering you can make to allow him and these children to adjust to all of the changes that have happened in their lives. He may not even know that he’s unintentionally asking for time alone with his kids, so let him know you support it when he feels he needs that time alone with them.

Keep talking about this with your husband. Don’t go silent and make conclusions about him or his children. Ask him to stay open to your feelings while you work to be flexible with the adjustments everyone is making in this new family configuration.

Stay connected!

Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He specializes in working with couples in all stages of their relationships. The opinions stated in this article are his and not those of St. George News.

Have a relationship question for Geoff to answer? Submit to:

Email: geoff@lovingmarriage.com

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6 Comments

  • comments February 8, 2017 at 11:19 am

    My advice: Respect the fact that he probably doesn’t feel like he gets enough time with his kids and is trying to make each visit as best for them as he can, and let him give them his full attention for that limited time. Find your own hobbies and things to do on your own when his kids are around. You sound a little clingy and needy, but u have to understand marrying someone with kids requires sacrifice on your part.

    • comments February 8, 2017 at 11:28 am

      After I got divorced I dated some single moms, and I knew it would be a huge sacrifice on my part if we took the relationship further because “my kids come first”. I gave it a go, but in the end it was just too much to deal with. “Toughing it out” is a good description, but looking back I’m glad I didn’t pursue it, because toughing it out with her kids every single day was just too much. Be glad ur man doesn’t have full custody, relish it and be glad.

      • ladybugavenger February 8, 2017 at 12:27 pm

        Ya! What Bob said

  • .... February 9, 2017 at 1:11 am

    Wow I’m really impressed Bob made two comments and didn’t blame the Mormons for anything

  • Larry February 9, 2017 at 5:33 am

    If we actually Put Kids First….When a Divorce (or split up) happens. The Kids would be Awarded The House (Family Home) and the Parents could come Visit. Think about it, Kids have a life and should not have to pack up and move several times a month to go visit their mom or dad. Disrupt the adult’s lives, Not the Live’s of the innocent Children. I would love to see a family law judge make this ruling. Parents that make their kids move back and forth are just damned selfish!

  • JJ February 9, 2017 at 6:56 am

    “I know you only see your kids a few days a month, but I still need to get attention!”

    That’s how it would sound if she ever brought this up to him. I agree with the he comment about her needing to develop some hobbies and be able to give them some space together- it’s only for a few days, not all the time. She gets her husband on all of the other days.

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