Relationship Connection: I don’t know if I can marry this man

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Question

I am engaged to a man 12 years older than me who is sensitive, caring and hard working. We started out as friends and got to know each other better. We became close and, within three months of dating, he popped the question.

He has been married twice and has four of his own children (two are teens and two are preschoolers). I have a son who is the same age as his youngest son, so that’s not a difficult fit for me.

However, the teens are a nightmare! What he described as “good kids” have turned out to be kids with arrogant and snotty attitudes. His teens don’t live with him and don’t have the same values as him. In fact, he lets them smoke and drink in front of him even though they’re underage.

Even though none of his kids lives with him, he is a good dad, visits his kids regularly and pays child support. I need to have stability for my son and me. I don’t know if I can marry him. I would like to have another child, but he is already paying for four children. I need help or advice because I do love him, but I just think it all a little too much all at once.

Answer

As difficult as this is, recognize that you’re doing exactly what dating and engaged people need to do. You’re taking a closer look at the dynamics of the family, your own reactions, and assessing whether or not this union will work long-term. As difficult as it is to slow down or end a great relationship, it’s far less painful than trying to exit the same relationship down the road.

There should never be pressure to get married. Marriage is a choice you get to make when you’re ready. It’s a choice that comes with a train of consequences for good and bad. Make sure you’re taking the time you need to feel comfortable enough to make the decision from a place of peace.

Granted, most people won’t feel ready enough to be married, especially when blending families. However, you can reach a point where you know that you’ve given the relationship enough time and examination to identify concerns and address them thoroughly.

There will always be surprises in marriage and family, so you want to make sure the person you’re committing to is someone who is willing to work with you as an involved and equal partner in working toward solutions.

You mentioned that your fiancé is a sensitive, caring and hard-working man. Is he willing to work hard on the relationship? Is he open to feedback about his children? Is he willing to hear your concerns about his permissiveness with his teenage children? Are you willing to be flexible and accept some of the less-than-perfect conditions that come with interacting with stepchildren and ex-wives? Are you willing to understand how difficult it is for him to manage the competing needs of so many different people? These are just a few of the hard questions you can both ask one another.

If you’re worried about his ability to stay married and provide stability for you and your son, then make sure you take the time you need and ask the questions you need to ask. If he’s interested in providing stability, then taking more time shouldn’t concern him. Both of you can work to keep addressing these concerns until you both feel settled enough to move forward.

Even though you can’t anticipate what future problems may surface, you can see a few that need that need to be addressed. If you aren’t interested in working with these issues, then don’t assume that future ones will be easier. Work on these until they’re either solved or you both decide it’s not a good fit for your two families.

Remember, you’re in an evaluation stage right now that allows you to walk away if it’s not a good fit. You’re not a failure if you decide not to marry him. That may end up being the best decision, as difficult as it may be. Success is about being honest and clear about what will be best for everyone. Take advantage of this time so you can make the best decision for you and your families.

Stay connected!

Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He specializes in working with couples in all stages of their relationships. The opinions stated in this article are solely his and not those of St. George News.

Related posts

Have a relationship question for Geoff to answer? Submit to:

Email: geoff@lovingmarriage.com

Twitter: @geoffsteurer

Facebook: facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2015, all rights reserved.

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9 Comments

  • ladybugavenger May 6, 2015 at 7:31 am

    If you don’t know them its a NO! You’ll know when the right person comes along.

    • Free Parking May 7, 2015 at 12:37 am

      Did your therapist tell you that.?

  • Mean Momma May 6, 2015 at 9:43 am

    A good dad lets his kids smoke and drink in front of him while they are underage? Hmmmmmm…

    • DMcClenahan May 7, 2015 at 7:57 am

      I was a rebellious child and I started smoking at 11, I also started using drugs at 11, it wasn’t because my parents didn’t care it was because I was acting out on what I called independence. My mother tried to control it out of me which only reinforced my absolute need to rebel and my father said “I wished you wouldn’t but if you’re going to I’d prefer you did it here where at least we know you’re safe and someone cares if something bad happens, you’re friends can’t use here cause I’d be liable if they got hurt but if you’re going to do it please do it here.”

      That is a father who realized that trying to force me to stop would only push me away. My parents were divorced and it wasn’t until I was in my mid 20’s that I got my life together. Good parents are sometimes the ones who love you and accept they can’t win when it’s a battle of perceived independence.

      I never got arrested in strange places or at busted parties because I always had a safe place to be so I never felt a need to be crazy or flippant in my use of cigarettes and alcohol.

  • native born new mexican May 6, 2015 at 1:53 pm

    Why does he have two failed past marriages? Was any of that his fault? Sadly tigers don’t usually change their stripes. Have you ever had or could you have a conversation with one or both of the other wives and get their side of what went went wrong? My mom had a saying- where there is smoke there is fire. There is a reason why this man has been divorced not just once but twice. Why?

  • CaliGirl May 6, 2015 at 5:21 pm

    RUN! Run fast, don’t look back. That baggage will be a nightmare. Soon your child will be allowed to smoke & drink too. What then? It’s a big ocean, throw that one back.

  • 42214 May 6, 2015 at 8:17 pm

    R U N. 90 days and pops the question. 2 failed marriages. Sounds like he is in a hurry and needy. Get out of town, move, change your name, witness protection. Get the point.

    • Simone May 7, 2015 at 2:34 pm

      I agree with you 90 days is no time at all. They should have should both waited AT LEAST A YEAR!!! before getting engaged.

  • maggie May 7, 2015 at 4:24 pm

    One more suggestion to run..eveyone else has said it so well I am just agreeing!

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